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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Thursday, 30 April 2015

Reading past emails stirs in me such a heavy sense of feeling alone. Blinded in that moment, looking back I can see how much I have missed. Every opportunity lost, and all the hurt I might have caused.

I'm not even thinking about the what if's; what if I had seen it then, what if I could go back in time to fix things.

Sometimes the plot of my own life doesn't even really make any sense to me any longer. Where will I be, and what will I do? Most children don't think of 'happy' as an answer when people ask what they want to be when they grow up. I was no exception. I always assumed I would be - somewhat happy without having to think about it. But happiness is such a conscious decision, to make each day. Waking up each morning and reminding myself about how blessed I am to be living this life.

And I know I should be happy. I should.

You used to be the only one who understood the sadness I would have for no apparent reason. And the guilt I would go through for feeling that way. So much has happened between us and too much left unspoken. I won't be taking the first step to reconciliation. Perhaps some day, on an eve of Christmas, or on one of the two dates we were each born. Perhaps I would hear from you then, or you from me.  Maybe then we could talk about how it's been such a long time since we've spoken, and maybe then things would be set right between us.


love, 01:21
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