Wipe my slate clean
I was thinking about this the past few weeks. Pondering. When did all these issues with my self-esteem surface. When did I start to let these issues take over the way I live.
I'm happy to say that, somehow, somewhere...it doesn't affect me anymore. I no longer care what anyone says, I mean...some people say I'm fat, some people say I'm skinny, some people think I'm anorexic, some people single out a pimple I have, some people say I've got a million scars on my legs from falling so much.
You know what...so what if I'm all that? So what if I don't have the perfect body, or flawless skin, or hair that falls in the right place everyday? I don't want these superficial aspects to be the focus of my life, I don't want people to like me just because of a particular way I look. I mean, obviously I'm not going to start binging and not exercising and wearing my pyjamas out, there's a difference between dieting and being healthy, between being vain compared to not wanting to be sloppy. Anyway, bottomline is, I just want to be happy in my own skin, in whatever I choose to wear, in my own eating habits, in my own exercise regime. I will live a healthy life with a healthy self-image. (Ok I sound rather hahaha lame)
I don't need to be jealous of another, and I don't need anyone to try to bring me down with their words again.
Actually I think this revolution is somewhat..because of aaron (lol). I mean, he's just this friend who inspires me not to worry about how I look. Somehow. It's strange. But it's true. Hi aaron! And of course, also because of my best friends in singapore who tell me I'm amazing even when I'm not. And you know, sometimes it feels like friends will come and go as seasons change, but I really never want to lose these friends.
20 more days!
For better or worse
It sounds oh-so-cliched, but it's true that sometimes I put up walls around me just to see who cares enough to break them down. Doesn't it sound stupid?
Life is unfair sometimes and we all do stupid things. I don't really know why all these thoughts have been filling my mind and haunting my dreams.
But those who hope in the lord will rise on eagles wings, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. I don't even know if I got that verse right. I know, just look it up right, how hard can it be to do that? Still, the greater significance is that, I am trying so hard to not just know about that verse, but to truly know it.
Have I really been putting all my hope in my god? All of it? Come on, it's all or nothing. I just want all this negativity out of my life. I don't know if I can do it. Actually, I know I can't. To be honest, I'm drowning in myself. Sometimes I feel like my only enemy is my own self. And you know, that kinda sucks. God, be my saving grace.
It's just another day, we go our separate ways
Without thinking about each other.
Today, it crossed my mind. I'm turning 20. I'm no longer the same person that I was at 14 years. At 13 and a half years.
Strangely, I don't miss that person anymore. I don't miss that life anymore. I used to. I think I'm starting to realise I need to step out of my past. I don't know what the future has in store, perhaps I would venture out and walk unknowingly into a circular path leading me right back to where I was as a 14, 15, 16 year old. Perhaps.
I guess I didn't see that it just wasnt meant to be. But I tried to love you. Yet, the thought of you still makes me cry. I still remember that weekend I just could not hold it together. 3 April 2011. Nearly two months have passed.
Sometimes this feels like a huge joke, someone's concept of a twisted prank. Everything is happening at the wrong time, nothing is really falling in its right place at the right time. It feels like a massive ball of yarn, tangled yarn. I have no idea where to begin, and I have no idea where the end is. I have no idea how long it's going to take me to find the start and work towards the end. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never find it.
