What happened to...I'm dying inside, I want to tell someone that I'm dying. I can't. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It hit me today. I need you but I don't want you. My thoughts are killing me, I'm killing myself. I don't hate you, I think it's me that I hate. I don't want to associate this song with you.
Why did things turn out like this, circumstances, life, oceans and miles.
I don't know why I bother to blog, when I've got nothing interesting to update on. I spent a good part of my day studying...something lke 6 hours?!!? Hit the gym and spent the night watching tv at home. What a day.
The feeling of heaviness clouding my mind, my mood, my emotions....blahblah, it still hasn't left me or lightened up at all. If anything, it probably got heavier. I'm not communicating well with the people who are supposed to matter.
I don't know what this feeling means exactly, but I know it means that there's something not quite agreeing. I'm so unsure, so terribly unsure. Sometimes I regret, sometimes I don't, sometimes I look forward to the future and I don't see myself being happy.
I'm just so frustrated right now. Maybe you can't get over your feelings, or you "can't" control yourself...but please, grow up! Playing that sulky, attention seeking card isn't going to get my attention. Alright, it did...but it's not going to give you the feeling of the attention.
And you know what? You're turning into the person you said from the very start that you would never turn into. Petty. Where's that big-hearted person I used to know?
Much as someone might have hurt me before, let me never retaliate in a way to hurt him back in the same way.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29
It's not a competition...so stop trying to out-do me in everything.
But I know I can't blame anyone/anything apart from my own insecurities.
Alright, I shall not let it get to me. We are all individuals. Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I've known him for three and a half years now. Sometimes I don't know what to say about our friendship anymore. He calls me his best friend, and we trust each other with so many secrets. We share similar interests and a similar passion, we get along really well and it might sound silly, but I know I've grown to love him over the years.
Somehow somewhere a rift started to form between us. It's not obvious to the outsider, but I know that something's different. He just got really busy, that's what I tell myself, and I know it's true. Sometimes I wish he could have the time again like how he did in the past when we hung out so much and "explored" so much, but at the end of the day, I'm thankful for this friendship and for all the good times that we've had and which are still to come.
I don't want to dwell on it, but nothing seems to be getting better. You know, when one bad thing leads to another and at the end of the day you can't help but heave a huge sigh of relief and thank God the day is over?
I don't want my days to be like this, and they don't have to be, right? I could keep telling myself that but I know things aren't going to change as long as I'm here. Sometimes the brain just works in funny ways.
Anyway, thou shalt not dwell on the unhappy moments.
Photo #1
15 facts about myself. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a fussy eater. I just dislike certain categories of food, but I could eat my favourite foods again and again and never get tired of them. I'm Malaysian, but I spent most of my (rather short) life in Singapore. Malaysian Malaysians insist that I can't say I'm from Malaysia, while Singaporeans correct me when I say I'm from Singapore. As a result, I feel immense discomfort when the question "Where do you come from?" is posed in a group ice-breaker activity. I have a dangerous tendency to sleep through my alarms in the morning. I also turn my phone off when I sleep so I'm uncontactable and that probably isn't the best idea seeing as I have slept through my alarm more times than I would like to admit. I'm not the most organised person. Recently, my favourite past-time is playing the ukulele...it's so easy to just pick up and play (literally) unlike the clarinet (all that setting up and cleaning up :S). I used to busk with my clarinet for a few months. I think it's meant to mean that I'm a confident person, but I'm not. I feel the most insecure in front of people. I still don't know how I managed to busk. My favourite sort of sky in Melbourne is a cloudless blue sky...it's one of the few things that makes me smile always, even when I'm down. Having said that, thunderstorms are equally captivating. They don't always make me smile but they remind me that I'm alive. I like it when the pedestrian light flashes green just as I approach the crossing, but it makes me happier when the pedestrian light turns red when I'm walking with someone whom I can have a great conversation with. I don't know if I've exceeded 15 facts or not, but I believe people who have spent a fair bit of time with me in recent years might be thinking that I've missed one really important fact...that is, I fall a lot, I trip on virtually nothing, I walk into a lot of things and essentially, I'm a klutz. It's my bane.
Maybe all these facts are superficial, but I'm still trying to figure out who exactly I am. I don't know if I'll ever find out, and does an "I/me" necessarily exist anyway? Prozac? Prozac? The effects of that drug simply baffles me and makes me question the concept of a personality.
Green eyes. This song was stuck in my head the past few days. As well as Creep. I shall do a cover on creep when I'm free. Week 9 is over, three more weeks of school. Three more assignments to complete, I'm not thinking about them tonight, I feel so out of it. I'm so jaded.
For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away
Take time. Wait.
I don't want to give in to temptations, succumb to weakness and create a bigger mess.
Take time. Wait. A time for everything.
You know I've never loved anyone more than you. Tell me, am I supposed to let go of everything? I don't know how else. I'm afraid that you'll change; why don't I have more faith?
I could ask everyone I knew, but they wouldn't be able to give me the answers. Dear Lord, I think I know what I should do but I don't want it to be this way; not yet.
