If time could come to a standstill so I didn't have to leave so soon. The precious minutes spent together, minutes that flash by too quickly. The moments of the period with the golden sunshine and the breeze. The thoughts in my mind, some about the darkest moments last semester, others about the never-ending struggle and the feelings of helplessness and of being overwhelmed, and finally, just the thoughts about how I am here today. Sometimes I still can't believe it, and I wonder when I will fully walk out from that shadow and if I can ever forgive.
It just never gets easier. As the date of the new semester draws closer and closer, I just cringe at the thought of having to see certain people around again. With the pretentious smiles and hypocritical persona. All the lies I believed. This year is going to be such a long one. I can already feel it.
Can't wait to go to Hong Kong and Singapore. Tickets to Hong Kong from Australia seriously cost me a bomb :/ Oh well, all about bad timing...placement in the middle of my holidays, cheap sale tickets to Hong Kong from Australia just released this week and...ah anyhoooz, I really need a holiday right now. The past week has treated me a lot better compared with the previous two weeks. Workload is still crazy...but I think I'm starting to get used to working so hard so it doesn't actually feel like I'm working so hard anymore? Does that make sense?
I really appreciate how "normal" I am in terms of language development too. Been focusing on teaching phonics and spelling this week and I can't believe all these "rules" involved in spelling (and reading words) that I NEVER knew. It was tricky trying to look them all up and learn them all...sometimes having to figure out the exceptions and yada! Trying to work out the science behind the language and the all too many weird-bizarre-exceptions has made me realise all over again how amazing the human brain is. It's amazing that we can learn it all from young just through I don't know...exposure? Or magic. It sure feels like magic, the way some people can just get it all while others struggle so much...
When tomorrow's finally over, my life shall once again be filled with wonder! Not that it isn't filled with wonder right now. No wait, actually, NO IT ISN'T! I haven't had any time to myself at all...But tomorrow's the last day and I over prepared yesterday I suppose....I mean, who prepares twelve different games/activities for one day, I guess I did go a little overboard. I only ended up using 5 of them, cos alright, I'll admit that my child this week is a lot easier to manage behaviourally and doesn't go "I'm bored/Can we go to the gym/art room/music room" every five minutes unlike previous little terrors. Honestly, these kids look cute and innocent but can literally drive big grown adults like us to tears just from their refusal to cooperate. I mean, it's all fine for them to have their tantrum and to run around like they would die if they didn't run, but for most of us...we need to PASS this thing, and it honestly doesn't look good when your supervisor comes round and sees your kid in a state of total discontentment. There I go, I'm rambling about unimportant nonsense again. Should probably try to get started on some of the reports I have to write... #brainiscloudy
Some visuals from the weekend!
Rooftop bar chillin' with Wanhui. Might be going to GoldCoast with her at the end of February and she'll be staying in Melbourne for a good 3 days after too. So many things to look forward to!
So, I thought nothing could be worse than the week before...but last week was the absolutely worst. Had a really biased/judgemental supervisor who was very unhelpful and constantly put a bad spin to anything I said. That was way worse than just having a difficult kid. Being treated unfairly can really affect you emotionally in ways that you could never imagine unless you feel it personally. I guess it's even worse in such a context where stress levels are already high to begin with. So, with so much supervisor drama last week, I guess I need to make sure the final week's supervisor comments are consistent with the first week's...just to show you know, this past week's comments were really because that supervisor is horrible. I don't even mean horrible in terms of expecting a lot...I mean horrible as in, personality wise, almost. I know I didn't do everything quite right the past week, but it was just one miscommunication after another that escalated into something huge, and while I know I wasn't entirely to blame, it was ultimately still my responsibility and the cantonese would say "sek sei mau (literal translation - eat dead cat)". Guess I could learn a lot about trusting others in workplaces, and about how others can take what you say, twist the meaning and present it in a different way.
The stress is crazy, I think it's eating away at my sanity. You know how when the stress is building up and you're holding it all in and one day it just explodes. Friday was that day it all exploded. That feeling when you want to stop crying cos it looks so stupid and it just doesn't stop. Oh my goodness. Seriously, I think I feel almost traumatised by the last week...this world is a crazy place and you can't trust anyone in the workplace. Ok maybe not to that extreme of not trusting anyone at all, butt the saying is true - it's better to err on the side of caution. Do everything you can by yourself, don't trust people who offer to help, just do it (nike) on your own. I'm probably not making any sense. It was a complicated week. Had a lovely child, but workplace politics...I'm not ready to take that on.
Anyway, just five more days and hopefully my life goes back to "normal". I just want to pass this thing and then hopefully never see any of them ever again. What terrible memories.
Just to lighten things up, there's always light in the darkest of situations and beauty in everything if we only try hard enough to seek it! While this has definitely been a very trying two weeks, going through this and seeing all that I've seen makes me appreciate the people who have been supporting me through everything. In the workplace with a crazy supervisor, you can honestly be made to feel like you are nothing but the unfair comments they write about you. Self doubt honestly is like a really deadly internal poison. It's almost as if the things people say are taking over your identity and reducing you to whatever they say, after which you subconsciously start to think that maybe it's true, that's all you are. I'm being dead serious. But at the end of it all, I just have no words to express how it feels to know that even when the world only sees me for the things I'm not doing right, I'll always have someone who's going to tell me I'm more than that. I don't know how I would have gone through the last week without those people. Being dead serious once again.
It feels like a lot of life is knowing and seeing where you would like to see yourself, otherwise also known as "the destination", but not having a clue how to get there. Sometimes I don't think and it's fine, other days I shut my eyes and I see all the odds against me. So I'm thinking that I shouldn't think.
Nonetheless, following your heart is important when your heart is led by the right thoughts. It's no use thinking too hard and trying to resist what your heart is telling you. It's silly to think that following your heart is only for the foolish and that wise people "lead their hearts". Following your heart takes courage because the heart holds hope. The heart holds hope while the brain tries to smother that hope with pessimism, and it takes courage to hope.
I'm so scared. Honestly. But I know if I never give things my best shot, I'll never know. It's better to walk away knowing that you've given it everything than to walk away with a million what if's, right?
Anyhoozzz, first week at placement is over hurrah!! *throws confetti in the air*
Celebratory dinner at hunky and...presenting Surabhi's "medium" chips (lol). It was massive, about 3/4 of a Hoyt's popcorn bucket.
"Medium" chips
Healthy snacks for placement
Beautiful husky along Bay st. It had been such a trying week at placement, and meeting this husky at the end of it all cheered me up so much. Incredible.
Random night out to the beach!
I wanted to bring that husky home so badly. Speaking of dogs, there's this mini park near my placement and every morning when I get off the tram as well as when I'm walking back to the stop to get home after placement, there are all these dogs in the park. Just thought I would mention that I always look forward to meeting with them, and that's one of the only things I look forward to in the whole day.
I am currently on a "forced" break. Yes, I'm forcing myself to take a break from the craziness of the past week. I know the week's not quite done yet, but I think I just had the craziest week of my life. Six hours a day with a child doing therapy and meaningful activities where language learning is disguised in some game or craft/physical activity...not as easy as it may look or sound to the outsider.
It was a pretty rough week for me. Pretty much still "jet lagged" for the first couple of days and nearly in tears by the third day. There isn't quite enough time to process information and analyse previous reports when you have to deal with a child for a 6 hour block...Didn't help that my child is such a naughty child. Sometimes I just get a headache from looking at him, when he starts crying, when he starts going off on a tangent...when he's just being him. I reckon I could deal with seeing different children for an hour at a time, but six hours with one child and having to factor in teaching strategies in "fun activities" for six whole hours straight without a break in-between to think. Plus it's not like we get to go home after the kid leaves at 3. Most of us are there till six-ish planning activities and preparing materials. Typically, a child is only gonna stay interested in an activity for 15-25 minutes, so...six hours, do the math. That's a hell lot of activities we plan.
To makes things worse, my child has such a short attention span and is so easily distracted that nothing I do with him seems to satisfy him. He's always going to find something else that he wants. Even when doing his favourite activities in a gym...he would find a picture of a dog left behind by somebody else, and decide he wants to print pictures of dog and start throwing mini tantrums. This sounds terrible, but I really believe that if he was brought up in a typical asian family with ASIAN DISCIPLINE...he would be performing very much better than he currently is. I just can't emphasise enough how naughty he is.
Woke up this morning and thought about how much I really did not want to go in and face a six hour block with the child and then another 5 or six hours planning for the next day and researching for the report we all have to submit at the end of each week...
Oh well, I would say today wasn't actually too bad. Compared with yesterday which was the WORST day ever. I literally was in tears before my child came in for the day. Talk about a mental breakdown. I think it was the first time I really experienced a mental breakdown. Thank God for all the support I've received from a few of my friends, I felt really blessed by what they've done for me - delivering my favourite boost all the way to my place, daily messages of encouragement even if I'm not really replying because of how busy it is (I start the day with 100% at 730am and at 630am I usually still have 80% or battery left, or more LOL) and just listening to me rant at the end of the day.
FRIDAY! Persevering. All my classmates who are there are equally stressed, and I'm glad there are quite a number of us there and that we all help one another. Times like these, you realise how there's strength in numbers!
1) I wish I could keep up with the pretence, but it might be better to accept the truth instead of creating my own. It seems like we're trying to hold on to our friendship by telling ourselves that we're still the same people as we were 5 years ago. Yet we both know without a doubt that we're different now, that we're both growing but not together. It's a pity really, but I know that one day we'll find us both connecting the same way we used to. I shouldn't be so afraid to let things go, because if I have learnt anything from years of repeating the same mistakes and stumbling blindly, it's that things that belong with you will always find their way back. It doesn't matter what I do or what anyone else does, what's mine will always be mine, and things that are not mine - I'm better off without. It's tiring to work at keeping up with something that's clearly not fitting with your life, and in the same vein, it's tiring to continuously try to push away the things or people that bring out the best in you.
2) Sometimes I still can't believe the way he left me. Looking back now, I don't know how I survived those months. The cold weather, dark nights and the internal push and pull between living a life that spelt denial and being accountable to my responsibilities. The mornings I woke up crying and the nights I spent staring into the dark. It's been a good six months, and I still don't understand what he was thinking. I wish I could say with honesty that I no longer care at all, but that would be a lie. And I'm thinking it's okay to care. It shows that if anything, at least I was being real in all of it. It wasn't just a game to me, even if he might have just seen it as some sort of twisted experiment. Is that some sort of consolation to myself at least? But I've been telling myself that I am better off, and I'm starting to really believe in it. It's not a lie, I worked hard for today, and I will continue to keep fighting. I can only pray that I won't see myself giving up before the year is done. I hate people who give up. I don't want to be one of them. I want to see everything through.
Unofficial first day of placement and I'm feeling like jelly inside. This summer placement is really going to be a difficult one and it's a huge jump from the previous placement, but it'll be a good challenge and I hope to learn to work more independently from this placement.
The most difficult thing about planning therapy for children really is the fact that children are so complicated. They're like little adults, or you could call adults "large children". Doesn't help that language in itself consists of so many components and is so terribly complex. Given that a child with language impairments/delay usually has that given problem because of other co-existing issues...such as, intellectual, social, and/or cognitive processing disorders etc...it's really not easy to zero in on one aspect that should take precedence over other goals. Really doesn't help that language is so complex and that everything is somewhat somehow inter-related.
It's really not a matter of just going in there and prescribing some drug that will kill the pathogens and bingo, problem solved. It's not even just as easy as treating a problem, when really you can't grasp the problem. I need to stop being so unsure all the time.
New years resolution #1: Start believing that I'm actually going into the workforce in just under a year, and that I actually have to know my stuff.
In other news, I'm back in Melbourne. Looking forward to a long summer here, not. Just kidding, I'm quite happy to be doing what I'm doing this summer. There's that above-mentioned placement challenge...and also, I'm going to be starting work in February! Proper employment after a year off teaching music to random students :O Just feeling thankful for such a good opportunity to work in something closely related to what I'm studying, and for such an accommodating and understanding employer who is willing to negotiate work times with me.
What can I say, I'm glad 2013 is starting well. And honestly, whatever it takes, this year will be a good one!
Lying here with the sounds of my family eating in the not so distant background, the whirring of the fan and my skin against the sheets. I feel at peace and I don't want to say goodbye.
This is my favourite time of the day, light slowly turning into darkness. It's the first day of the new year and the last time I am able to just lie here while the world spins madly on.
