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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Saturday, 27 July 2019
There will be no next time with you

I recognised the image of that beach. That was actually one of my favourite memories. It brought me back to the very start, reminded me of when I felt at peace, before everything else in between happened.

Now, I know very clearly that we were not suited for each other. Would it have worked? Probably. I chose to give you so much of myself, give up so much of myself to make it work. Looking back now, it was so unhealthy for me. Perhaps for you too, perhaps you had given up so much for me as well.

It’s really difficult for me to express what our relationship truly was and why I kept going on with it. Sometimes I think back and see so clearly that you would never be able to love me the way I needed you to.

I’ve never fought harder in my life than I did with you and for you. I did love you, especially so if we defined love as a verb. I tried so hard to ensure you were happy. But it’s now so painfully clear how part of me was so unhappy, and perhaps part of you was too. I didn’t think those parts of me were as important, but they are. I deserve better and so did you.

I never want to be sort of person who dwells on past hurts, or gets caught up in replaying all the worst moments. If my brain chooses to block everything out and if my memories of us and all that we shared grows fuzzy as time passes, I’ll remember our time at that beach. We sat and watched the most beautiful sunset, it wasn’t planned, we found ourselves there just because. We looked out for sea turtles and whales, chased the waves and felt the sand in our toes. A man chatted with us - he was from a tiny island in the middle of the pacific and he was waiting for the sun to set so he could fish. It was a full moon that night, he explained, fish are most active at night during a full moon. Maybe other memories would slip into my active consciousness every now and then, maybe I’ll write about them then but right now, and since the day we were at that beach, this memory has always found it’s way out of the dark recesses of my mind and into my thoughts. Not because I want you back, but just because it truly was a beautiful time in my life.

love, 01:11
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