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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Monday, 30 May 2016

A memory that I will never outgrow.

If I have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing, then I'm probably not...right? It's been incredibly difficult for me to be myself. Not that I'm being someone I'm not, because who are we all anyway? We are all the thoughts we put in our minds, we are all the things we think people want us to be, we are who we choose to become.

When I say it's been difficult for me to be myself, I mean that I've been so fearful lately. It almost feels like I'm constantly skating on thin ice. Wondering if what I say or do would lead to yet another misunderstanding. I know it will get better...that everyone takes time to heal.

---

Somedays I look at myself and wonder what the hell I'm doing.

If this is all worth it, if I have changed myself too much, if I can be happy. If this is what it's meant to be, if this is who I really am, if this is what I really want.

Because so often, I do things out of fear. I am too afraid of what might happen, and it clouds my judgement. It confuses what I want and what I fear. So I can't know if I truly want something, or if I'm merely afraid of the alternative option.

Follow your heart, they say. Where is my heart leading me?

Deep down, I know, or I think I do...because no one can know for sure.

There is so much of myself that I am just getting to truly know. Where my limits are? Who I am? What I am willing to compromise. Am I able to forgive someone who wronged me and never gave me a second chance - truly...it's so painful.

I'm barely 25 and I am overwhelmed. On the surface I seem to have it together, but I am just not coping. On my own, I would never be able to hold myself together.


love, 22:56
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