Commit This to Memory

What would you say, if I took those words away?

Last day of 2008. I remember the last day of September when Jinli and I went trapezing across Bridge Road.

I want to spent today with my Dad. You know I'm finding that though your family can drive you bonkers, they still are the ones who accept you at your most unglamarous states. You don't have to feel the need to dress up or be a certain way in order to be accepted. My mum drives me mad with her incessant nagging, paranoia about my "future" and obsession with the cleaning of cupboards....well just generally cleaning as well, but she keeps all the artwork I've ever given her, even this really crap thing which I will not reveal (lol) and researches on my university courses for me because I plain refuse to do so myself(paranoia...what did I tell you). Let me sidetrack, quote from Sasha, "dude, not trying to scare you or anything but this is only just the rest of your life we're talking about here" It was hilarious!!!

Anyway, I'm starting to sound tacky, well, perhaps the sappy-ness of the festive period is finally starting to get to me. Believe me, I am hardly ever like this.

I can't really begin to describe how awesome this year has been. I think this is one of the most liberating experiences of my life. Not to say I wasn't happy before, but I suddenly see that there's nothing, nobody to influence the decisions I make anymore. It used to be such that I planned my life around a person I loved, well, in good spirit, I was willing to do it, so there are no regrets about that...but that leaves me excited for 2009 because I know things are going to be different. After this many years, I've kind of forgotten how life's like with some form of new found independence. Thinking back now, it feels kind of silly to have been the person I was..well glad I'm growing up (hopefully). There is so much more to life, really.

Not many pictures to post because I'm using the desktop, and I'm not very systematic either so finding pictures is a CHORE. Have I ever mentioned? I can't live without the Search function on the computer. If I wanna look for a file, especially music files, I'll have to search because I have no idea where it is.

Knitting, birthday celebrations, Line 7 lunches, cell, post exam euphoria, well, blahblahblah. Great year. By the way, you should check out Jinli's calender. She is the most systematic organised person I've ever known. I'm going to try it next year, you know, save a few pictures from each month or something HAHAHA. Just look at me, I'll never make it.

Well at least I'll start of 2009 with cheer unlike how I started 2008. That sure has to make a difference right? It's only a matter of time before the pessimist in me takes over, but before that happens..Happy New Year to all. Hope you have a great one!

No matter how hard you try, there's always a part of you that can never be changed.

love, 20:22
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love, 01:17
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Hold me now!

Today's pretty fab apart from the fact that I just about spent all the pay that had been credited into my account.

Met Lilin and Shusze in the afternoon, caught my first movie in AGES. Seriously, I think the last movie I saw in the theatres was....Mamma Mia with Jinli, Monty and Mush. That was way way way way way back, it came out in Melb before Singapore.

Shopped, window shopped, Breadtalk shopped LOL.

Met Jinpy and Sasha the indian at holland v for "supper"

There was this really funny conversation about Essential Brew....a little lazy to go into too much detail but quote from sasha, "I don't wanna go to someplace with like, chinese herbs. I want something CHOCOLATE" Anyway we went to EB in the end, and then to Wala for some drinks.

Maybe Timbre on New Years EVEEEE but I bet monica's not freeeee.

love, 03:36
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Inaudible Melodies

I'm working tonight, and tomorrow sigh. I need to find some friends to work with me. Ingrid and Suyan said they wanted to, but somehow I feel it wouldn't work out.

Met Daryl and Benita yesterday, pierced my helix, the most agonising part is having to sleep on my left side instead of my right. I'm a right sleeper. Right sided. But it's alright, I remember george telling me that sleeping on your left helps you lose weight. Speaking of weight, I've been losing too much weight!! I mean, it's not like I want to gain weight, but I think I'm getting too skinny again, which also means the probability of me being unable to wear my jeans is getting closer to 1. Still have not tried out Jinli's put-your-jeans-in-the-dryer-it-will-shrink method.

Three french hens, two turtle doves, and a patridge in a pear tree!

Third day of christmas! I still do not feel festive, but I guess there isn't much need to feel festive hey.

I wanna change my stud to a ring, but it really hurts whenever I touch it.

Why do I dread going to work so much. Maybe because of a certain few aunties, patrick, and the managers who are starting to jump on my hair. Well, hopefully Rhea is working today and, Daryl will work tomorrow. Gahs.

Haha, this picture is really funny, the photographer is funnier. Well, I hope next year we'll still have days to ourselves doing silly things! I don't know why I kind of miss coffee ministry again, even though I only went a few times.

love, 16:42
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Christmas

This is just about the last minute of Christmas in Singapore.

Made some horrifying discoveries earlier on. No wonder he didn't speak to me today, maybe I'm thinking too much into it. My life just never gets better. After having a glimmer of optimism shine through the ever dense fog of pessimism, well, I find that nothing much has changed. If anything has, only for the worse.

The lower the expectation, the lower the disappointment. No one can ever understand what's going on right now, I hardly can myself, and no SAMUEL JUBI it's not what you think. Though it would be interesting to hear your theories and hypotheses. You still owe me "Ryan's socks and AIWEE'S CARD"(hahahah).

I remember saying earlier on in the year that CHRISTMAS WAS COMING. Well, christmas has come...and gone. This has to be the worst Christmas ever, generally, I don't feel like elaborating.

Goodnight world, merry christmas to all.

love, 03:00
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Tis the season to be jolly

Really?

I never want to be dependent on anyone. Today it feels like I'll never get through but I know I will. This is exactly what I asked for, and I'm thankful for all these little things that push me furthur and furthur away for that's the only way I'll ever be able to extricate myself from this mess.

Nothing's that worth it is ever easy.

Just 3 weeks left, I feel, strangely glad.

You know why? I hate your false promises, I hate how I hold on to these grudges, I hate how you never waited, I hate how I gave up, the list never ends. This Christmas, please just pass me by. It's hard to even say the words Merry Christmas. There's no use in trying to find what went wrong and where it happened. It's easy to put the blame on me, after all I said what really went on in my mind, but you never did, not on the truth anyway.

Where are you now? You said, you'll make me happy.

love, 19:31
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What about now?

I've lost the urge to go shopping. Now that I do have money, I

1) am too lazy to go out
2) can't be bothered to look through racks of clothes
3) am hardly in the mood to.

These days, I only step out of the house because of

1) work
2) family plans
3) a necessary meeting with friend(s)

Have also lost the urge to blog. Today's an exception because it's a completely unoccupied day, no work, no tv, nothing.

In melbourne, I thought I would be doing a lot more in Singapore, but strangely it seems like, I am not. In fact if I weren't working, there isn't really much to do apart from bumming around, and then again, everyone's really busy so I would probably stay home and lose myself in the virtual world, which also gets really colourless with time.

SIGH. As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots. Trust takes years to build but only a moment to destroy, how so very true. I don't believe what you say anymore, and what you said. This sounds so very definite and final, like an imprint on cement, but ever so often I let myself get the better of me. I know your game too well; you play on relentless pursuit, I on raw emotion..just that you're on to a whole different direction from me.

I hate how I'm just like you in so many ways.

Anyway, these days, weeks, months have been pretty bad for me spiritually. I carry on with my bible reading everyday but the more I do that, the more distanced I feel from God. I know why, but I'm not doing anything about it, or at least not enough. The spirit is willing but the body is weak, there are just too many distractions in my life and I want them all out but they keep coming back.

Frustration comes when you want to be there but you're here and when you're there you want to be here and essentially you're neither here nor there and frustration comes and it comes and it doesn't leave. It will never leave.

love, 15:22
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Up down up down down up up?

Because,

When I'm down under I miss a little dot,
And when I'm on a little dot, I feel trapped and I miss down under.

So,

Maybe from the start I just needed you back with me,
I still regret nothing, we know it's all meant to be.
(just one more night I wish)

Working again tonight. After this, I'm going to need a break. My legs are going to be jellified today. Banquet serving is pretty fun though, call me crazy haha.

love, 18:07
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Slipping

Deathcab for Cutie! That sketch is not emo, at least I don't really think so. I don't know why but I recently thought of death again, and that song came to mind. Well that topic somehow hits quite close to home and I won't be blogging about it, just don't call me emo...(everyone has a bad habit of calling me emo)

On a more frivolous note, I want a pair of oxford lace up boots!

Bought flowers for some people in band just now. Honestly, they should stop messing around with my Rochester Park.....See, I took my usual cut through the less known part of Rochester Park to get to Ghim Moh, but ALAS!!! I was greeted with large tractors and what not halfway through. Turns out, that area is being revamped into something, I don't really know. So, I walked along the old houses hoping maybe there will be another way out, but instead found myself coming out through the more well known part of Rochester Park(I think they call it one north). It was so hot, I nearly died. From there I had to walk around Bouna Vista station yada yada. In other words, I walked a big round just to get to Ghim Moh. Gee, if Samuel Jubilee heard of this he'll be pissing himself laughing..."don't know how to walk to Ghim Moh".

I feel so tired just thinking of the days I'm going to be working, and then going to Malaysia...feel so disconnected from some people, wish it doesn't have to be this way. Well even if I weren't working it's not like certain people will be free anyway.

I can feel it dear, our friendship is taking the plunge.

love, 17:37
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300

Wow, this is post number 300.

I FOUND A NEW JOB :)
Well, it's the same job essentially, but at a new place..the best part is, 6.50 on weekends and 6 on weekdays. That's fifty cents per hour more than my previous work place. Plus, plenty of functions going on before I leave for Malaysia..infact I'll be working everyday from Saturday except tuesday and I leave on Thursday. It'll be really tiring though. I've got two big ones, Sunday(11am-11pm) and Wednesday(8am-4pm). At least Daryl's working with me on Sunday, and Joey will join us at 5. Nobody's working with me on wednesday :( anybody wants to work? I can call and ask if they need extra people.

I think I'm addicted to banquet serving. It's really fun. I mean, well at least I don't get that really bored feeling...you know the feeling you get when you're stuck in say an extremely boring class and you're looking at the clock every now and then to find only five minutes has passed though you were certain at least fifteen minutes must've passed?!

Band concert tomorrow. Hopefully they get dismissed before 11-ish, and we could have supper plus Daryl might bring HG, and I've got V!

It's funny how I'm spending so much time with Daryl and Benita, when I'm not really very very very close to them. I've met them the most since coming back. Just this afternoon we spent the whole time together and also with Joey. We still have another date set out for baking, and chalet in January(I think Daryl will FORGET to book the chalet for us AGAIN) etc. Oh well.

love, 23:45
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Honestly

What made me think that I would ever fit in? It feels so ridiculous to have even harboured that thought, and with so much conviction too.

Well well well, just goes to show I could never make it in "The moment of truth".

Anyway, spent good time with two of my best friends :) We should do it more often...shooting the ~~stars~~ moon lol.

(sigh)

I need to work again really soon. Hopefully over the weekend. Need to work aoap, get money, buy new jeans. Sounds like a plan.

Somebody save me....

love, 04:34
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This is funny

"Grace: I can't believe the boys are flying here in two weeks' time and we're going to see them !!! But our seats are quite bad you know... But it's okay I will be bringing two pairs of binoculars
Me: HA HA HA
Rachel: -gives that whatever look
Grace: (continues and exclaims) Who wants to learn french!
Laura: Meeee (hi5 with G)
Grace and Laura: (chant together) French french french
Rachel: Seriously you girls won't have that much time to learn so many things. School is starting in jan and Os end in nov, which leaves us only dec. Oh, whatever happened to your floral arrangement and... and ...
Aiwee: Grace you can take up that course with your mom
Julia: (-shoots that weird look, I can't remember what she said)
Joy: (suddenly turns around and...) Who wants to learn sewing!
All of us: Whatttt-

Rachel: Shusze how was chem
Me: I made alot of stupid mistakes
Rachel: You can't beat mine. You know, for the distillation question. I wrote thermal cracking

Me: Wth is that
Grace: Yeah she texted me first thing this morning (turns and faces Rachel) You could have gone 'good morning' or 'howdy' before going 'Grace I wrote thermal cracking...'
Aiwee: Speaking of stupid mistakes, you know what was mine. Chemical symbol for tin is supposed to be Sn right. But during the exam I can't find tin in the periodic table. It was pissing me off so bad guess what I wrote? "Let tin be T and zinc be Zn..."
All of us: HA HA HA HA
Grace: Imagine next year's marker's report, 'weaker candidates should not invent their own elements...'
All of us: HA HA HA HA

Silly remarks made by us. Upcoming esplanade trips, stayover, newyear party and many more, cant wait to spend time with clique. "

love, 23:40
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Good ol'

band on monday was horrible, for grace and i. we got thrown out like, twice? but it's ok, we're cool. we're gunna get the gold that we deserve this year! oh yea, i was thinking, for the band shirt, we can put ' SILVER IS BETTER THEN GOLD'. :DD smart right? haha, you know, to spite choir. haha okay, nevermind.

class t shirt is gunna be dark blue or something? i dunno, i don't really mind what colour it is, as long as it isnt black. i have like 5 black school related tees already! i can't wait for cross-country, you know? charlie(CAW) got me so hyped up about it, it being our last year and all. we're gunna get the towels haha!

I got that off Laura's Jan07 archives. No line, I wasn't digging up your past, your new blogskin made me click it by accident.

Back to the point...

Well much as that brings back many good memories, I know we aren't that close anymore and it's a fact that remains. Sometimes, maybe blogs are good in that sense....like I totally forgot about the whole plan Laura and I had to run our best for cross country 07 to get TOWELS(hahahah!). We didn't end up running though because of the rain, which was believed to have been caused by Grace's presence. 07 was the firt cross country Grace attended, and that was also the first year it rained.....coincidence or jinxed? :)

It's sad that we didn't get that "silver is better than gold" shirt. That would be funny ass. I think FSB 07 was awesome too, is awesome, and has God's grace smiling on us :) We totally bombed the starting of our pieces (think...silence, literally, when the conductor's baton went down), and the whole time I was thinking to myself "oh no" and literally shaking. HAHAHA. Sounds kind of funny now, but anyway, we miraculously managed a silver putting us on par with many other schools. God's grace, much?

Those band days seem so faraway now. Ms Sia with all her temperamental moments seem like a distant memory. I remember the "getting thrown out" parts all too well though. For sunrise the first clarinets always got thrown out to practice this weird "birdcall" part. Figure 21 for Alvamar. All in the not so distant past, but it feels like a long time, a really long tme. School days seem even furthur away.

I miss the (weekly) devotions Sam, Roph, Rach, Laura and I used to do, and the countless hours of Bridge we played, basically just hanging out. They all still do, I guess, but for me it would never really be the same again. While going over to Laura's used to be something that felt so ordinary and normal, now when I go over I feel like well, this is now or never. We used to hit Laura's so much that it felt like home. Maybe it's just me, and it probably just is. After all, I left for Melbourne.

Good memories always brings a smile, and I'm glad there are so many :)

love, 23:09
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