Commit This to Memory

Words

One planet, but a million and more different worlds within.

I'm not an activist, but Malala inspires me. What does the word 'inspire' mean to you? For most first language learners, we learn language seemingly almost by osmosis. We don't look up dictionaries or memorise definitions for our everyday lexicon. But what does the word 'inspire' really mean? It can be such a subjective word. It's not a word like 'cat' with a clear referent.

To me, the word 'inspire' and it's related morphemic variations refer simply to something that is completely out of my league, and something which I know I can never be or do. That sounds rather, uninspiring...but the reason why something is inspiring to me stems from the very fact that I know I would never be able to achieve the same thing.

If I followed that definition strictly, I would probably be using that word inappropriately a lot of the time - and I do. But that's just like 'love'. It's probably the most mis-used English word in the entire world.

love, 20:02
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Untitled

But even if we won't admit it to ourselves
We'll walk upon these streets and think of little else
So I won't show my face here anymore

All that's left behind
Is a shadow on my mind

These are the best, but the worst days of my life. The transition between the close of a bittersweet chapter and a brand new start that is soon to come.

Those days are gone now, I can barely remember what it feels like to be an undergraduate and the struggles that came with. I do miss those days at times, particularly third year though it was undoubtedly the most challenging period. That year and the one following, which really was just last year..those years were so messed up, but it helps me appreciate things as they are now.

The best but the worst days of my life. What I really miss about undergrad life is having the time to see my best friends in Melbourne - Dom and Jinli. Jinli's gone now, and I haven't seen Dom all year. I miss Dom particularly because it feels like I've lost him now, we used to have so much to say but now all we talk about is how we used to have so much to say, or we just don't talk. I don't know why, but it feels like we have become two different people now and there really isn't anything in common to bind us together. We talk, but we aren't really talking, not the way we used to. Does it matter though? I'll always see him as one of the best friends in my life.

love, 22:27
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I decided to go out, and breathe in the air I was made for

Things are settling and forming a routine. The working routine, 8-5 essentially. Early nights and the crisp morning air. I have a bad feeling about how things are gonna pan out the next two weeks, but from where I'm standing, there's really not much I can do.

And if you really think about it, what we can do is really, really, really not that much at all. The closer I get to leaving the structured and somewhat sheltered environment of school, the more it seems like it's not about how hard you work or how much effort you put in. With all the competition these days, connections are often more important than what you can actually do. So much for meritocracy. This current situation really spells doom for mediocre people like myself, with no connections and not much in terms of natural talent.

What depressing Friday morning thoughts.

love, 12:25
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We all take people for granted.

I don't even know why I get upset when I know you don't bother talking/responding even when it's the end of the day, right through till god knows when.

I don't have any reasons to expect that from you, but it doesn't change the fact that I have these expectations.

Shake it out/let it go. I'm done here.

love, 01:25
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Oblivion

love, 21:08
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"How was _____?"

"How was _____?"

"How was _____?"

People ask me this everyday. Under all different contexts, obviously.

I appreciate all the people who ask because they genuinely want to know, and I cannot be more thankful for them. It just makes me feel sad when people use those questions like a conversation filler, almost as if conversation were a responsibility to them. Especially if it's a person whom you might consider a closer friend. It makes no logical sense, but the thought of that one person who treats conversations like a responsibility or something that "has" to be done sometimes overshadows the fact that there are so many other people who don't treat friendship in that way.

Since last July, I told myself I would never try to "fix" a friendship ever again. I mean, if friendship were all about holding on to each other to maintain a state of equilibrium while spinning wildly..in something that spins wildly, then it doesn't really matter how hard I try to hold on if the other party isn't pulling their own weight.

There's just no point chasing every wind that blows.

I would rather be a tree. I don't want to ever be moved.

love, 21:13
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Everything I touch feels like ice. It is so cold in Melbourne, and this cold makes me feel unproductive. All I want to do is hibernate. I feel like a bear that just got pulled out of it's cave prematurely - perpetually feeling uneasy and disoriented.

love, 10:38
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Somehow neither here nor there

I don't like thinking.
I don't like thinking about the future and being unsure.
I don't like thinking about the present, and finding my mind filled with everything I've tried to forget. But why should I forget? Why do I need to forget? I want to remember everything, because one day I know I will forget everything.
I don't like thinking and finding that I have no thoughts apart from the anxiety of not knowing, and the fear of being incompetent.

Perhaps this is why I've always gravitated towards having a routine. Having a constant something to occupy the recesses in my mind. It's easier than dealing with the pain of not knowing anything. It's easier than having to fight the deafening sounds that echo off the hollows.

Sometimes I don't know where I've been or where I am. Everything is whizzing past in an awkward blur and I find myself desperately trying to hold on to each magical moment that soon disappears like dust in the wind.

There are pressures at uni to not sound stupid, to sound smart, to always have a smile and to be marvelous at small-talk. Yet sometimes all I want to do is to be stupid. To walk on the proverbial wrong side of the road, to cartwheel instead of walk, to stay out late and not worry about anything.

I have lost all my originality and I don't know who I am or what I really want to do. The problem is that I want to do so many things but life tells us we can only choose to be one thing.

I study Speech Pathology, but that's not all there is to me. Why then, do I feel that my entire worth as a soon-to-be 22 year old lies in whether I will graduate and find a job, as a speech pathologist no less. I want this, but how much do I really want this?

Time passes, but it also takes. Time takes with it our innocence, our fears, our memories, our love, our life. It takes away our ignorance and replaces it with knowledge, or would you say - insecurities? It steals our innocent younger years and replaces it with a world full of uncertainty. In return? We waste time away, spending hours working on the things we need to do, the responsibilities that weigh down on our shoulders in the world that comes as time takes our carefree youth.

love, 19:39
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Whinge whinge whinge...I hate my thesis. I just don't know what to look out for in research, or maybe in anything at all? Such a pain.

Resident cat at Grace's.

Late night cycling at Chinese Garden

Boardwalk at Chinese Garden

Taken seconds before the rain came crashing down!

Stranded LOL.

Pilates+Yoga Day 2. We wanted to take a photo before showering to remember our "all-worked-out" moment, but couldn't be bothered to walk five steps to the lockers to get our phones out.

On that day, which was just yesterday...the instructor recommended that we join classes at the basic level....hahaha! Apparently the class we went for contains advanced sequences that are suitable for those who have been practicing regularly for half a year :O

The prospect of leaving SG and heading back to Melbourne to complete my final semester is not at all appealing. And the thought of job-hunting is even more dreary, I wish there were an easier way out.

Oh well, I guess I'll just think about these problems when when the time comes. I just feel so incompetent at times and I don't think anyone would ever want to hire me over someone else. These thoughts are such heavy burdens to carry.

love, 14:04
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Home will always be home

It's been the best week thus far. I love waking up each morning seeing my grandparents, and spending each day catching up with friends, exploring random places and delving in new activities. I wish I could freeze time and maintain this feeling forever.

The epic bi-annual cycle expedition today was a total flop though, thanks to the crazy torrential downpour. But regardless, the first few words exchanged with Jocelyn when I met her in the morning was a discussion regarding our objectives for actually going on these cycle expeditions. We came to the consensus that we cycle to eat - we don't cycle for the sake of cycling.

So, while cycling didn't quite work out, we caught a bus and then another to the end of Singapore (literally) and ATE. Ate to our hearts content! I count it pure bliss to just sit in a breezy hawker centre with some of the best friends I've ever had, eating our favourite food and having easy conversations flitting from the frivolous to the deeper aspects of life.

Made our way to Katong and ate some more, and after we parted, I headed down to Bukit Timah because Sasha Fierce was in Singapore. No prizes for guessing that we ate even more there! I feel like everything I ate today has completely negated the fitness sessions from yesterday! Speaking of those fitness sessions...they were so intense, but I can't wait for the next sessions on Friday. I love working out with friends and laughing about all the random things we do while everyone else in the classes are so solemn (lol).

Post-shower/getting "fit" together!

The only downside about this breezy vacation is my thesis...it's driving me nuts. My thesis partner is so brilliant I feel like an absolute fool. My supervisor has sent me comments about my draft with some corrections...and while that is a useful thing, I absolutely abhor re-writing things I've already written. Pure laziness, I say.

love, 02:15
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