Commit This to Memory

Things I never said

It seems that whatever I say, it will never be enough to convey what I really want to say.

Two days. It's a little too late to say anything now, and I don't really know what to say either. I don't know how we can possibly be friends again. But not being friends doesn't necessarily mean we're enemies. We're just people. We're just living life, and we're just trying to move on.

Happy birthday - it's been a year since the last, what a difficult year it has been. This is me allowing myself to feel. Because the memory of all the struggle deserves that much at least, because we had happy times too, and because I miss laughing about everything with you.

Sometimes these monologues seem pointless. You'll never see these words of mine, and I guess it's better that way -

love, 10:54
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Well this is torturous/Electricity between both of us
And this is dangerous/'cause I want you so much
But I hate your guts

The imagery portrayed through the lyrics of this song speaks volumes.

---

Someone told me last night how he believed that certain actions meant you were idolising your feelings. That was the most judgemental statement I had heard all week. What right have you to make that judgement for others? Perhaps he only meant it for himself. But honestly, everyone has different backgrounds, different histories and different stories to tell. Life isn't always black and white. Too often, we end up in a grey area and that's perfectly okay.

I'm just so tired of it all. Honestly. I just want this year to be over. Sometimes it scares me - how numb I've become. Or rather how I have developed two extremes. There still are those moments where an overwhelming sense of sadness grips me and I almost feel like just collapsing; but those emotions are so quickly replaced by almost complete indifference. It's almost like I've developed that emotional switch I can just flick on and off regarding this. But with this, I find that I either feel nothing at all, or I feel everything. Somehow I haven't got the in-between.

Still, it could be worse. I'm glad I can feel nothing.

love, 09:13
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Maybe I had it wrong all along.

Things are fine as they are.
They're not great, but it could be worse.

Because I remember twenty seventh November spent crying on the train and on that bench and the voices of my friend and my cousin saying the only thing they could say - that it'll be okay.

So, things could be much worse
And it's just not worth putting myself out there again.

love, 00:24
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Fade into darkness

love, 12:07
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It's 730 in the morning and everything's messed up.

love, 07:34
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Life's too short to even care at all

I can't believe it's sunday and that I got through this week.

I don't know how to describe the past week in words.

But I've got some pictures.

Monologue, for the win.

Eunice and I!

Awesome rock pool!

The sand, the sea, the sun and the wind, I miss it all so much.

And of course, there was...cultural night yesterday aka the main fundraising event for Easter camp! It was so much fun on that night itself, and all the stressful days (and nights) leading up to the event was worth it. I can't believe that everything came together, when thirty minutes before the start of the event, everything felt like it was gonna fall apart, especially the programs. I'm not being dramatic...goodness, I doubt I'm ever gonna pull off something so crazy ever again.

But each time I think of all the people who helped me out when I was in that o-m-g-i-am-so-stressed state, I can't help but think about how good God is, because there's always been someone there for me.

Cellies!

TinTin

Grace and Zoe! The most awesome fundraise team-mates

It's a huge relief now that the event is over and that it went better than we(or...I) had expected! Now...to get started on my thesis. It's ridiculous, how difficult it is to begin writing a thesis.

love, 21:54
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We were so close
I could have reached out

And I remember
The way you held me.

I would imagine
In a parallel universe
If we did exist.

love, 22:13
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Monochrome.

Best friend from Coles. Melbourne wouldn't have been the same without you.

Seeing the sky light up together, for the fifth year now.

Always churros, always with the sand everywhere, always.

Constantly, changing. Everyone on this wall had in some way, been my greatest support at one point of time.

love, 15:49
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Neverending, struggle.

And already, my resolution
for the new year
compromised.

Going through the motions
the emotional ups and downs
More downs than ups
What with uni and all the crowds,
and the pressures of all those things
What do they call them? Responsibilities.

Always there, never gone
at the back of my mind.
One - it's that aching feeling
Two - it's that ache that makes me numb
Putting it plainly,
it hurts me, it numbs me,
and it never stops.

I made a sun catcher
it was meant for you, back then.
But I was waiting for the summer light.
Or so I told myself,
and then you left/never came back.

The summer's gonna go.
And it'll be winter once again,
Bringing with it all the memories I have of
another winter that has now passed.

And with the coming winter,
Please put to death,
the part of me that was involved with you.
That part of me must die.

love, 15:15
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It's been one year and six months. Doesn't feel like it.

School started today and shit's gonna get so real. I need to pull myself together and get on top of things.

It's just so hard to shake off this feeling. Feeling so crap all the time. So many things about being in uni reminds me about the old days, the smell of the building. Apparently smell is the strongest sense, and can bring back memories from days of yore that were once associated with a particular smell. I experienced that a 100% today.

And so I try to keep the summer feeling alive by looking at old pictures, and letters from friends over summer etcetc, but I can't help but wish (all the time) that you were still here. We weren't perfect but having you around always made things better.

Anyhooz...I should try to get into the swing of things. It's gonna be a crazy year.

love, 20:50
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Black and white, but then there's grey.

This song makes me cry.

Back when I listened to it so much, and the music and the words became a part of the situation then. The time that was heavy with anxiety, lightened with anticipation and hope, filled with tears that wouldn't stop, broken by the forbidden moments we spent together, and all that masked by the pretence I held up, that everything was okay.

Sometimes you knew it would end badly, and you knew he was just using you. But for people like me, I needed to live in the moment and pretend nothing else would matter. All context and colour would leave us. I used to think that if I used all my mind to pretend that it was, it would then be.

love, 11:51
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