Reading past emails stirs in me such a heavy sense of feeling alone. Blinded in that moment, looking back I can see how much I have missed. Every opportunity lost, and all the hurt I might have caused.
I'm not even thinking about the what if's; what if I had seen it then, what if I could go back in time to fix things.
Sometimes the plot of my own life doesn't even really make any sense to me any longer. Where will I be, and what will I do? Most children don't think of 'happy' as an answer when people ask what they want to be when they grow up. I was no exception. I always assumed I would be - somewhat happy without having to think about it. But happiness is such a conscious decision, to make each day. Waking up each morning and reminding myself about how blessed I am to be living this life.
And I know I should be happy. I should.
You used to be the only one who understood the sadness I would have for no apparent reason. And the guilt I would go through for feeling that way. So much has happened between us and too much left unspoken. I won't be taking the first step to reconciliation. Perhaps some day, on an eve of Christmas, or on one of the two dates we were each born. Perhaps I would hear from you then, or you from me. Maybe then we could talk about how it's been such a long time since we've spoken, and maybe then things would be set right between us.
I have to let go. Because things that don't matter now will come back to haunt me. And things that seem to be of such great importance now will be nothing more than a naive dream, a figment of an imagined past, a memory of a time filled with uncertainty.
Perhaps it's a pity, perhaps it's a waste, perhaps it's a shame. But perhaps it was the most meaningful thing I had to keep me going. Perhaps it was the most liberating experience I had to let myself just be. Perhaps it was the sweetest escape from reality for a time.
It seems that I need these opposing emotions to keep me balanced. Every moment that lifts me up pulls along a reminder of reality to weigh me back down. Because things that don't matter now will come back to haunt me.
I don't know you, and perhaps that was how I could be so close to you. Opposing forces.
But I don't even know you, or you - me.
In other news, I'm trying not to jinx it here, but I have been looking forward to going to work. Beats feeling at a loss at home.
Will I talk about something happy for a change? Honestly. I don't know where to begin. We're all trying to be okay. Some do it better than others, some are able to look like they do it better than others, some are outrightly bad about it and proudly so. Bottom line is, we're all different, so I can't measure me by your standards.
But I do it all the same.
So, I look forward to work. I've learnt to manage the pressures, mostly, and now it's a way of passing my time. Because the more I try to help you and help us, the more I seem to wish I could take back the things I have said to you. And the more I try to help you and help us, the more the distance between us seems to grow. It's sad how despite all the technology in the world, the unassuming and simple barrier of distance can never be quite fully overcome.
