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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Tuesday, 24 December 2019

Today I realized that I have moved on definitely, if moving on is defined as knowing it's over.

But I haven't stopped loving you and I don't think I was aware of this until now. And I've been thinking that it's okay if I still love you, it hurts me to think about it, but really you can't just stop loving someone just because you can never be together. And just because I still love you, it doesn't mean I can't love anyone new - love isn't something that is finite. Love is infinite.

love, 10:42
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Friday, 20 December 2019
When memory lane hurts

Close to four years of memories between us that ended eight months ago.

It was his birthday at the start of this week. I hadn't really actively thought that I would actually feel anything or feel inclined to send him a greeting. Birthdays and celebrations had always been a highlight for us, it's something we enjoyed doing together.

I wished him anyway and wrote a message that said I wanted him to know that I didn't feel any hard feelings towards him and that I wanted him to know that I understand and feel happy for him that he has the chance to do what makes him feel right. And I think that's probably the most selfless thing I have done for him through all that time I've known him. Because it really hurt me to say that, not because I don't want him to be happy but because I know he could have been happy either way - be it path A or path B, with the catch that both paths could never merge. He chose to let me go and let go of everything that we shared even though I know that we could have been happy together.

Thinking about that really hurts me, but ultimately, I know that when I sent him that message, it's the one thing that would truly release him to pursue the path he had chosen with no more negativity or 'regrets'. I'm not really sure how to describe this, but I know he loved me and that letting me go was possibly one of the most difficulty things that he's had to do as well. Twisted as it may sound, sometimes we just cannot help certain decisions that we have to make. And it might sound a little presumptuous on my part, but I know that should he have chosen to be with me instead, he would never be able to truly do that because his family would never be able to do what I just did for him - they would never be able to feel happy for the choices he made if that choice was not aligned with theirs.

I didn't think I had any more tears left for him. But this week has been difficult. Lots of memories we shared have been floating through my mind and perhaps this could be an indication that I'm currently in the process of truly coming to terms with the fact that it's over - that it will never be again.

The best thing to do honestly is to just not look at anything that reminds me of him right now so I can focus on healing and moving on. I wonder if there would ever be a day where I could feel nothing when I think about him and about us. 

love, 13:22
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