I shouldn't miss this but I do
Even if I could set the hands of the clock ticking backwards, I may not end up where I wanted or needed to.
If what I want and what I need could converge and be one, perhaps this endless mind-numbing conflict would leave me. No one to blame, only the way two diverging paths do not join by the very being of their definition.
What's left? Only time will tell.
Sometimes people tell me I'm independent, and I think - how wrong they are to assume such things. I could never be independent, I'm inherently dependent on knowing I have someone who loves me. Thank you for being that person for me, for always loving me and showing me what it means to take care of someone else unconditionally through all the things you have done since I was born. I never want you to leave me, and there's nothing that scares me more than the moment your consciousness fades away.
Mad for nothing
It's so logical. One thing that leads to another and another, a reaction that once started would clearly have no pretty end. It seems strange that I'm feeling unsettled as a result of it all. It almost seems to me that I was expecting a different outcome? And I wonder if that is because of a naive hopeful nature, or an outright denial of reality. Perhaps a mix of both? I knew it would come to this, or an outcome with consequences equivalent to this current state. Doesn't make it any easier.
It's getting increasingly difficult to maintain a clear head around these matters. I'm playing it cool, but it's really not okay. Are we naturally prone to forming these attachments to people around us? Everything starts from nothing, and nothing quickly escalates to everything.
Still, if I never saw you again or spoke to you again, I'll be okay. And I would prefer to keep it that way.
I had kept my true intentions hidden. I'll miss you all the same. It was good while it lasted, and that's the most important thing. I only wish I knew what you really wanted from me, however unfair a request that may be. Why do people constantly demand if situations are fair or unfair, if they are good or bad, if things are necessary or unnecessary. It's okay, we all say. We rationalise and we tell ourselves it's necessary to do so, because it's socially appropriate. Could we break free of all restrain and just say it's not okay, when it isn't? We can, but we can't.
The only people I talk to these days are all in their late twenties, and it makes me wonder if I'm growing old too young. That I still need time to be young, and stupid, and reckless, and not skip through this phase. I can't exist in two places at once.
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There is something so precious about time.
I believe that you do love me, but it's just not enough to know so. I need to feel so.
It would be better to let it go. It was good for a brief time. So, if I had a time machine I would go back and make the choices I never did. But, would I really? What if there were reasons for every thing, and that this was no exception?
We can't choose our family, we can't choose the life we have. I've been thinking about that more and more and more lately. A little too much, perhaps. Of course we can choose little things - whether or not we get a haircut...but, the other things, fate, love, family, circumstances, these things take their course. These things feel predestined. Which makes affinity so precious. Affinity, and time. Timing is everything. Timing never seems to be on my side.
