Commit This to Memory

To be strong

Sometimes I wish I had followed my dream and done an undergrad course in something I actually really wanted to do.

No, I'm not putting the blame on anyone who advised me not to do it. After all, I met people and did things that I would otherwise never have had the chance to.

Yet when it comes down to this moment, I really wish I had taken the other path. Perhaps there would be heartbreak and pain whichever path I choose....but right now, nothing could feel worse than this.

It's starting again, explosions in every aspect of my little life. The one thing that I was looking forward to all semester...and now even that has been taken away. Dear God, I don't know anything anymore. I don't know how much more of this I can take on.

love, 21:59
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Photolog

Sometimes we want nothing more than to be able to "let go" and leave the past in the past where it belongs, but these things imprint, in a way. They brand us. We can't get rid of them and we wouldn't be ourselves without them. (Thought Catalog)

Baby steps are nonetheless, still steps.

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Eng Kit's Birthday (17/11). Awesome food and awesome fellowship!

Cell retreat to Mornington (22/11-23/11)! Was a great time talking and laughing, playing games, and unwinding. Visited the strawberry farm and a nature reserve. This was the only thing I was looking forward to the whole time during the exams, and it was the two best days in November :D

At Sunny Ridge strawberry farm

Resident dog

LOL. Vivian the best.

ISM Thanksgiving Party 2012!

The cell that puts up the best costumes each year!

The decorations done by Eunice, that never fail to DAZZLE. (According to her, she got "lazy" this year)

And the massive PBJ conveniently covering the entire photo backdrop (lol)

Check out those tattoo sleeves...HAHAHA

Okay, all I can say at this point in time is that...blogging with pictures is EXHAUSTING.

BE BACK SOON.

love, 11:14
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I'm so tired of the world and the people in it.

I hate the way people change.

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It's scary that I'm afraid to write happy things because I fear looking back and being overwhelmed by how much things have changed (for the worse).

love, 15:29
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Stars

They're burning so bright, they're dying.

I'm sliding down that slope again. I don't even know what to say anymore, who to put the blame on, where it went wrong...or what exactly is going on. This internal turmoil is proving far too much to effectively contain. So if you're out, please, stay out and stop trying to stay in my life.

But if stars shouldn't shine,

love, 00:17
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Once again

First year of Masters officially ends for me tomorrow.

First. Year.

I made it?

Sometimes it scares me, has it really been a year. I won't pretend that this is the way I hoped for 2012 to turn out. Every single year I tell myself not to mess up. But it's just getting worse as the years go by. Maybe the issue is hoping. Hoping for a better end to each year, hoping for less drama and yet never failing to somehow get twisted up in unnecessary ones.

Maybe I'll say the same thing each year, but it feels like I really topped myself with 2012.

I can only say this year has been nothing short of terrible. I don't know how I got through every thing without losing myself to temptations of just giving in and giving up...from the drama to self-doubt to the insomnia to the insane workload to the piercing disappointments that plagued me...all the things I told myself I would stay away from. All the things I tell myself to avoid at the start of each year.

I guess I have to thank God for being my eye in this hurricane.

Other times, I start to wonder if I'm a good judge of what I need, or should want. Well, probably not. But that's a post for some other time.

love, 22:56
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Sometimes I wonder how long I can carry on with telling myself "it's just down-time", and that "it'll get better soon".

It'll never get better.

I feel trapped. I've been feeling trapped for the longest time. Everyone tells me what I need to do, nobody seems to see that I can't. People get tired of trying to talk sense into another...sometimes I wish they could see that all I really need is for someone to tell me it's okay even if I'm making all the wrong decisions and sinking further in.

Of course it isn't okay, who am I trying to kid. No one seems to understand that I can't do it. It would be easy if crying could make everything brand new, like how it used to be when we were all just kids. Nothing changes anything anymore these days, I wake up each morning knowing that it's been another day and that I'm another day closer to someday having to end this illusion.

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It's funny how everything has been fabricated to seem so real. Sometimes I confuse my dreams with reality. Walking down familiar paths or past places rich with memories, I find myself uncertain about whether I had dreamt it or if it really did happen.

I want to wake up and feel nothing. No hope no love no joy no expectations no disappointments. I want to wake up and feel nothing.

love, 11:16
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Less than a sad song

You will leave;
Never were a keeper
A part-time lover;
Uncertain, akin to a myth -
Were you ever even here?

love, 14:56
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