It's good to be alive
Touts les temps que je parle à toi, il y aurait un sentiment de la tristesse qui est très profond…ce n’est pas vraiment la tristesse. Je suis pas sûr comment d'expresser ce quoi je veux dire. C’est le fait que tu pouvait, tu peux changer. Peut-être tu n’as pas besoin de changer. C’est vrai, tu n’en as pas besoin, mais je souhaite que tu pouvait realiser comment tes actions blessent tout le monde. Je ne sais pas…je ne sais rien, mais je sais que je t’aimait avant. Je ne dirait jamais. Il me blesse pour te voir abandonner ta vie. Je n’arrête jamais de me dire que tu irait bien quand le temps raison arrive, mais je peux pas être sûr que tu vraiment le serait. Je ne sais rien, mais je ne t’abandonnerai jamais.
It's been such a year, and you still haven't changed. But what I wouldn't give to see your face again.
One night to be confused
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So, apparently 11:11:11 on 11/11/11 only comes once in a hundred years or something. Not that I really give a damn, but just saying...I spent this once in a century moment trying to redeem myself in the last ever exam of my undergrad life. Needless to say, at that precious moment the thought of the rarity of that moment did not even cross my mind. I didn't even get the chance to look at the clock?! Oh, and the "second" 11:11 (pm) on 11.11.11 was spent either eating wicked wings, or planting unicorns with jinlitang. And no, we do not particularly remember that precious moment either. I don't know what's more sad, the fact that my life is THIS unhappening (lol), the fact that I told myself to try to remember 11:11 but only remember the morning after when I wake up, or the fact that people give a damn about the date just cos the numerals are all the same. Or the fact that I'm thinking about this.
Oh well, but it was a good night "celebrating" our end of undergrad degrees together. Talking about weird random things from 5-11. It's quite surreal that we've come this far. Three years of uni...uhh, what?
Pancakes for oneeee are always depressing!
L'étude du Coeur (du cerveau qui n'existe plus)
I have an exam on friday. My mind seems unable to focus on that fact.
Let's hope I don't end up regretting this.
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Can you believe it's almost mid november? Every year I say the same thing, and I should say it again, why does time pass so quickly?! This year feels particularly horrible, like I've never experienced quite so many changes in my mental state. Mental state, makes me sound like I'm crazy. I'm not. But yes, so many changes I can't quite get my head around them. I don't even really care anymore. I just want to survive. Some days it feels like I wake up and my only goal of the day is to make it through without falling into that vicious depressive state. Or that my only goal is to tire myself out so I can go to sleep at night.
It's 9.35 in the morning. Will be heading to work in about an hour...I am so not looking forward to it. In fact, I'm really dreading it. Stupidest question of the century, but why can't money just fall from the sky. Or grow on trees. Hard truths, we all have to work to make our living.
Seeing all that you said to me almost made me want to choke on my own pent-up emotions. Why did you have to bring that up now. Even more shocking, is the fact that your memory is so amazing, why do you even remember? Even I don't.
Even I don't. But you did, you do.
So I'll just tell myself that I will keep a tight grip on what is real, and that does not involve this in my life.
Ami, amie, amis
Don't know if this is normal, but I've been feeling sad for the longest time. Maybe it's not normal, is it too much to wish for, to have one thing that isn't going to be gone, for a change.
Sometimes it amazes how you remember all these things about what I've done, what I'm going to do, what my schedule for the day might be, acting as my personal Siri...entertaining my random rants and ridiculous dreams. When I feel that I've been getting caught up with life and not spending as much time and effort in up-keeping our friendship, I really appreciate that you try to keep our friendship going too. I really do. It hit me last night how much easier it is to maintain a friendship when both people are trying. Speaking from experience, where I've tried...perhaps too many times...to maintain a dying friendship. A dying friendship, what's that even supposed to mean, right? I think I've learnt that when if friendship was like two feet, each being controlled by un des amis, then a dying friendship would be when one side decides to stop running together with the other.
I digressed.
It's not going to change anything, but I wish you were here. To talk, to eat, to laugh, to make music, to dance, to breathe in this cold air. It's not going to change anything.
I don't want to be using someone else to replace your friendship. Building castles out of sand and thinking they would withstand the waves.
I know if you could snap both your fingers, that you'd escape with me...
