Yesterday, today and forever
The hope of all the earth, is rest assured in your great love.
I have been getting so anxious about so many things lately. Exams, health, the future. THE FUTURE. Money, food, mental health. It never ends.
Have faith that everything will be okay.
Never settled
A hundred different thoughts must be racing through my mind as I type this. I can't figure out what these hundred different thoughts add up to.
Disappointment. It's the first word that comes to mind. I have so much to be thankful for, but I'm looking at the little things and allowing that to take centre-stage.
Silent ache. Two saturdays ago, and now. I can't read what people's intentions are. I don't want to. I get it wrong each time. So I leave things unsaid. Perhaps someday I will be able to ask you what exactly it is that this whole time has been about, but that day's not today.
It's the last day of university, hopefully for forever...I'll miss the safe monotony of lectures, and the general feeling of just being a student I suppose - snacking, chatting, laughing, fretting, online shopping. All things trivial. Though, this week has been a little crazy, completed about 4 assignments...one of which is still 200 words over the word limit, word limits....the absolute bane of my university life. Finished placement. What else, I don't know. Not much really. Just a silent ache that never leaves.
(I) miss you, like the sun misses the moon.
Never understood the mystery behind those two words you left for me, or if they had even been left by you for me.
x
I want time to come to a standstill. It's my final week of life as a uni student. I was pretty excited before to get out of this student life phase, but now I just want time to freeze.
Because it takes so long to get used to something, and before you know it, it's time to pack and go. No amount of saying goodbye would ever be enough, leaving behind familiarity and a sense of belonging will always be difficult.
Everything's different now. Society reminds us everyday that this is a global world we live in today, more connected than ever in ways never thought possible. It all sounds wonderful and amazing but sometimes I find myself wishing silently that I had been born into a little town in a rural area where everybody would know everybody and nobody would ever leave.
Forever
And almost always.
Love me when you can.
You'll always be the right person,
Just.
Never the right place, nor the right time.
4
Thesis done and dusted. !!!!
Exactly four weeks left now with four assignments, four (now three) days of placement, two portfolios to put together and two exams. Somehow time also seems to have slowed down a little, each day passes a little slower than the last.
Have you ever had the feeling of wanting something so badly, you think about it and you tell yourself you won't get it just to avoid the disappointment of having set yourself up to expect something and then find that you did not make the cut. I don't even know if that sentence made sense and honestly I don't care. It's one of those days, when the energy is literally sucked out of me and all I can do now is lie in bed and talk to myself. Yeah, I don't have the energy to talk to people...I feel bad leaving all my messages hanging since last night, but it's just one of those days. I'm mentally drained. It's the aftermath of having good days (and actually, bad days as well) on placement. It's placement that sucks the energy out of me. Getting up early, running up and down the ward all day, being hyper-alert/hyper-attentive/hyper-everything, deciphering the most scrawly and illegible writing in medical files...gosh, I'm glad there are just three days to go. Then again, while it might be too early to say this, this has been a really good learning experience for me. I started off having more bad than good days, but I know I'm a lot more confident now and I can see myself improving in so many ways. It's pretty amazing.
Which brings me back - four weeks before I (hopefully) graduate. This is gonna be the real world now. Am I ready? Probably not. But God has always provided for me in His perfect timing and I know this will be no exception.
We watched the seasons change.
We're four seasons in one,
The spark you bring to my life, warm and inviting
like the sun that brightens the gloom from winter's sting.
The fallen leaves that mark the change from the warmth to the cold;
The fallen leaves that speak of the futures untold.
Of, the bitter chill that plagued us in the way we left things unsaid;
The budding flowers that perhaps, will never bloom but die instead.
---
Leave out all the rest
Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary
Steve Jobs
It was late in the night. I was probably 17 at that time, feeling discouraged as I often do. Technology back then wasn't like it is today. Most phones had physical buttons and internet on phones was considered radical. Skype was one of the only means of international communication, and even then it felt like something out of the ordinary. Texts were 25 cents a pop, and every message was carefully worded to maximise the 165 (??) characters allowed in a single text message. I remember how I read that quote you sent me late in the night, pushing on a physical button to scroll down, revealing each line, a couple of words each time. Taking in each word in and knowing that it wasn't just those words, it was the fact that you believed in me that was so empowering. And I've always come back to that since.
Take courage, be ready - not scared. Everything else is secondary.
Ab-sent
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about you. Particularly when events are lined up in a similar fashion to when we were still friends, the same sort of things but a different time that is now. Not the past, not before.
I remember you saying to me that you didn't want us to not be friends, ever. And it used to make me sad that things turned out the way they did, but now I just feel absent. It's not sadness, it's not anger, it's just an absence of real emotion..which is what I'd wanted. To feel nothing. In saying that, I wonder how much truth there is in that, because how can I feel nothing but still have these thoughts.
It's a shame how things turned out. But you made your choice and I lived with it.
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