The low-down
Oh I cannot believe it is the middle of August. I remember counting the number of weeks left till the "official" end of winter in the middle of July. That felt like yesterday, but here we are, two weeks from the "official" end of winter.
I haven't been having the best run lately. Caught a cold during my last and most busy week of winter placement.. probably from one of the kids in school, and had one too many of them late nights cum early mornings. Was losing the plot towards the end and boy am I glad that placement's over. I loved the kids and I learnt a lot, but the workload just got too much. Sometimes I have no idea how I am ever going to survive in the working world..but it would probably be easier when you're not being assessed on every single thing you do.
On top of that cold, my wisdom tooth started giving me the most ridiculous pains. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate something solid and chewy. Been surviving on a diet of mashed potato/porridge/oranges (LOL)/eggs for the past 6 or 7 days now. I've recently added ice-cream to my very restricted list of foods I can be bothered preparing. I'm sure there are lots of wonderful options, that would look and taste a lot more appealing than my little list there...but yeah, if only I had thought of ice-cream earlier. ICE-CREAM DIET. I have...***FLASHING NEWS*** just removed one of my wisdom teeth, the one that was giving me trouble, obviously. Oh me oh my! It was a lot quicker than I had expected...and not as painful as I had imagined it to be. Considering the fact that I just had a gruelling visit to the dentist the day before, I believe my dental anxiety is justified. Trust me, I don't know what went wrong but my infected gum did not get numb and I am such a genius I didn't know what 'numb' was really supposed to feel like. Until I felt this crazy pain as the dentist started scraping away at my tooth! Probably the most physically painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. Apart from fracturing my arm, uhhh... once upon a time.
Oh well. Can't wait till the day I can eat properly again....Already making a mental list to things-to-eat.
And this might come across as being mildly melodramatic...seeing as I'm basing this on the way I always fall sick suddenly and not gradually. Probably applies less to my random bouts of feeling 'under the weather', but I sometimes am almost scared to wonder what I would wake up with tomorrow? Plus the saying's kinda true...about how when it rains, it pours. Things don't just come one at a time, and they sure as hell aren't concerned by the fact that there might already be a different unexpected event occurring. The more the merrier? They don't knock politely on the door, or wait their turn patiently like being in a waiting room of some sort. There seem to be periods where life is peaceful to the extent of being dull and uneventful, and one fine day, you might wake up not expecting anything to change just to have everything change. YAY NAY GOOD BAD IT'LL HAPPEN ANYWAY.
Having said all that, I have about 12 weeks left to go for this academic year, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. 2013 is the best year thus far in terms of how my "New Year resolutions" are panning out...and I don't wanna jinx it but, just 12 weeks to go!!!!
Aku lah orang yang akan selalu memujamu~ uhhhh?
A dreary sunday afternoon at best. Cooped up at home attempting to analyse my transcribed language samples. I'm going nowhere with this. The sun's almost setting, wait - what sun?
So, just a week left at placement, and then...a lifetime of this? I can only hope it'll get better and not worse. We can't be experts at everything, but here we are expected to experts at everything. Everyone has a different communication profile and it's both a beauty and a tragedy.
Anyway, this indo song always makes me happier. I have no idea what they're singing...but it just sounds somewhat cheery?? It also reminds me of the many summer days pre-easter camp spent at Yo Ho's place prepping for the props/decor needed in the fundraise events, where we would blast random music and the sun never ever set till after 9pm. It brings back memories of the days spent scouring for materials, rummaging through random "junk-yards" collecting abandoned items and hunting for bargains at craft and hardware stores. Putting everything together, eating pizza (this is random), and chilling by the beach every weekend. Maybe my real talents lie in doing things like that. Event planning. Not speech pathology and language samples (lol).
All the random thoughts
The problem with me is my lack of open communication. It's nobody's fault but my own. Maybe I don't want to face up to reality, maybe I don't want to really truly admit that I had messed up. I'm sweeping things under the carpet, and I'm hoping I'll be able to get away with this. I'm tired of playing this game. I wish I could come clean.
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And it's still that season again, it's been one year since the dancing turtle's graduation. It feels a little surreal because I was so messed up during this period a year ago. Standing on this side of the imaginary fence, it all seems so fleeting - almost as if it had never happened. But I know what happened, and I remember it like a fact, and I wear it like a soldier wears his armour. Each and every day, I wear this fact on me to remind myself. I hold no grudges, I'm emotionally detached but I'll always carry this with me.
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The pressures from uni, work, placement and life are really getting to me. All I know is that I can't afford to fall apart, not in the same way I had last year.
Seeking noise, placing myself in the midst of a busy crowd taking deep breaths and looking around me to see people from all different walks of life. People with different lots in life. Do we decide, do our decisions really matter...if what is meant to be will always be? If what's meant to be yours will always come back to you?
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But this is you, and this has always been you. I know you so well, and I know your habits haven't changed. Not one bit.
That's the danger in my assumptions, do I really know you like I think I do? When the curtain calls we all change - you and me, are we just going through the motions?
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In all of this mess in my mind, it really comes down to this - what do I want? I tell everyone I want to leave Melbourne. And I do. Thing is, the only valid continuation from that would be - I want to go back to Singapore. And I do. But why am I filled with so much apprehension. I don't want to come to the point where I equate my unsettledness to being in Melbourne and the solution as leaving. But I know I will go to Singapore next year. For my grandparents if not for anything or anyone else.
It's the thought of not belonging anywhere that can drive me to despair, that can drive anyone to despair. Life is so short and unpredictable yet so long and drawn out all at the same time. Everything seems to contain a paradoxical split. Life is short and unpredictable, live everyday like it's the last day you have. Plan for the future, because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
I think I'll go along with life being short and unpredictable.
Eight years on
I'm too lazy to find a proper photo, but Fairfield's founders day is coming soon.
Maybe it's the stress from placement building up, but I feel so crazily emotional about, everything. Monday to Thursday this week was an insane period - striving to meet datelines and get tasks done whilst coordinating schedules with teachers and other therapists and programs at the school...I'm so glad it's the weekend. Today was a good breather from the hectic week, before it all starts again tomorrow. Stupid me lost one of my videos for the language samples though so I have to go back and record another sample on Monday. It's annoying because transcription of any language sample takes for-freaking-ever...and I could have done it over the weekend instead of rushing it out on Monday night. Ramble ramble x infinity.
But yes, feeling so overly emotional about anything and everything. There are all these photos on my Facebook newsfeed because of Founders day I presume, and all these waves of nostalgia are just flooding me. I also found some time to visit the soup kitchen today, and it felt so strangely like home as I swung open the wired-mesh gate and stepped through that red door. A weekly routine I had kept for so many years before. It was probably an ordinary Friday for everyone of them, but for me it was so extraordinary. I don't have the words to explain how it feels like, but I was the last to leave that afternoon, and I got that feeling that I get ever so often - I wished I didn't have to leave. It's just that these days are filled with so much uncertainty, and being there transported me back to when I never felt the same fear of uncertainty. Maybe self-doubt is a better word for it. Things have never been certain, not for me and not for anyone else I don't think. But self-doubt, it is quite a killer.
Lately, I have also come to the realisation that I have been using the phrase 'I don't know' for a lot of things.
I guess I should focus on getting through the next week and passing this placement before worrying about the things that come after. When I think about the rest of the year and all the things I have to do, it makes me nauseous.
AND (last ramble I promise)! Saving this for the end, HELLO JINLI, I just saw your comment today and I'm so amazed, I didn't even know my blog still had comments on them..or that you visited my blog. Miss the days we used to pester each other to update (lol), we really had nothing better to do. See you in Melbourne soon, and I told Sasha about your comment on skydiving/fitness first when I saw her today and her reaction was classic. I wish I could have recorded her. CIAO.
