Who are you? You're a nice person yet I don't want to be around you anymore. I don't know who you really are, what your true thoughts are..and I don't want to turn into someone like you. I can already feel myself being like who you are when I'm around you and that's got to stop.
Should I put my faith in us? Things are going well now, but how sure can I be that things will remain this way after you enter the next stage of life? I'm afraid to put my faith in this, I'm afraid of being disappointed once again, yet the other extreme would be so wonderful it renders me absolutely speechless. I really don't know what to believe in. I want to make the choice that would glorify God but I don't know how to. I don't see the path I should take.
I can't quite place my finger on this feeling in me. Feeling all-sorts inside me. I miss my friends, I miss WH. I miss having people I can just call out for lunch or dinner or breakfast or just to talk. It's not that I don't have friends around me right now. I do, and they all are amazing people. Why am I wanting more? Maybe I just don't put in enough effort to fit in, to get to know people, to make the first move.
It feels like someday I'm going to drive all the people around me away. I don't know how much further I can push it, how much more people around me are willing to tolerate the way I sometimes refuse to be included, or more often, my lack of enthusiasm...and the way I agree to something and change my mind. I don't even like talking to new people, generally....unless they don't make me feel awkward. Unfortunately about 99% of the new people I meet make me feel awkward, through no fault of theirs.
So what's wrong with me? This isn't how I used to be.
And yes, I am attempting to blog more. It's just that, I hardly take any pictures and I don't do anything exciting, ever. I can't even find the rolls of film I have yet to get processed. That's organisation for you, not.
Anyway, it's 11:41 am on a lovely saturday morning and I'm about to embark on a statistical journey to assignment completion. Right, that sentence just made absolutely NO SENSE whatsoever, but that's just how I roll (yo).
I just read one of my best friend's blog, and felt really warm inside after reading it. As I read each and every post of hers, it almost feels like I'm re-living each and every moment that has passed in her life. I'm just really glad her life is so colourful, and filled with so much hope for the future. Sometimes I think she's come a long way and that her perseverance has really paid off, and I'm just truly, genuinely happy for her.
And it makes me really hope that someday this stage of my life might come to pass. This stage which is so colourless and in a sense, empty. I mean, I choose to be happy, I choose not to dwell on the insignificant. After all, when compared to the great calamities in the world, what are my thoughts, what are my worries, what are my troubles, what do they all count for? The simple answer is - nothing. Insignificant. Yet, I can't fool myself. Deep down I know the unhappiness suppressed in me, I struggle to believe in what I tell myself, that God is enough. In a way, I suppose that's what helps me cling on to being joyful, being hopeful, despite all the ways in which life makes my choices difficult. But this repression inside me, it takes its toll and it manifests itself in the oddest of ways. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll drive all the people around me away.
Having said that, I really miss my friends. Especially you girls, ss, joy, laura, rachel, grace, jocelyn, roph, jules and cheryl. I miss all our friendships, and it's times like this when I really feel so tired of moving on and on and on with life. In a sense it's almost like riding a bike. You might be oh-so-very-tired of peddling, but the alternative is losing your balance and falling over. I guess it's a choice of worse or worst.
I really hate my hair :( and there's no where else I can say this except in this blog. It's so annoying that I'm complaining about such trivial matters, but I really really really hate my hair.
I don't understand why things have to be this way.
How am I supposed to let this slide. How do I let go of you so I would stop feeling this heartache.
Not too long ago I was so happy knowing that someday soon I might get a chance to finally move on from being away from you. Now I just don't know what to do anymore.
So could someone please help me out of this? I know that nobody could..but, could somebody please help me out of this? I can't go on like this forever. Tellme what I should do.
So I've been recording some videos with Aaron, and it reminds me of many things.
It reminds me of playing the guitar with Samuel, it reminds me of playing my clarinet in the band, it reminds me of my busking days, it reminds me playing with Monica and Jinli and Vanessa. It reminds me of all the friendships I've forged over the years, some of which have faded away, some of which still remain.
