Commit This to Memory

I wish I could remove this aching feeling in me. Or listen to the better advice of my friends.

I see how ridiculous everything is, but I can't do the right thing to save my life.

love, 09:27
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I'm watching you leave

Almost there, never quite,
Never quite cuts it.

When you want me to,
When you don't - I'm always here.

These words I'm writing,
Each one cuts deep, each one for you.

For you, you're oblivious;
For you, do you even know?

love, 09:25
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Paper cuts;
They hurt, and they don't.

22 October. Three months ago, I could barely face the day. Now it feels like I can breathe again, or can I really?

I'm at the stage of my life where time is simultaneously passing too fast and yet too slow.

Too fast, because I'm afraid of the future.
Too slow, because I can't wait for the future.

A walking paradox.

It's tricky when I know where I want to be, but I don't see a way to get there.
Perhaps I don't really know, and sometimes I know I am envious of those who seem to have it all together. Some say this could be a blessing - not knowing and having a vast myriad of possibilities open.

That uncertainty gives the freedom of infinite possibilities, but sometimes unbridled freedom only serves as a gilded cage.

love, 21:41
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Of what once was, or of what could be.

Like ink, it ebbs and flows:
Like ink, it dries set in stone,
A permanent stain, that is -
My love for you.

That once was,
Now hidden swept aside.
Or that still could be,
Glowing in the distant, incandescent.

love, 10:50
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All that I can hold on to

There were moments where I wished time would just freeze. There were times when I needed to say those words to you, but I never did. There were times where I just let myself be, where I knew I needed to face up to reality but then pushed those thoughts away. Those were the times I let myself indulge in the normalcy of things. As normal as normal could get.

I wish I could remember you in those moments forever, I wish I could remain with you in those moments forever.

The minutes turned to hours too quickly, and my mouth started to say everything unimportant and my heart beat quickened and I just couldn't look, but yet I couldn't look away. I had planned so many things I needed to say to you, but then I saw you and the only words I could speak were the ones that meant nothing.

And as I glanced down at my watch, I knew our time was up. I didn't want to say goodbye, I wanted to stay in that moment with you, it was all I could hold on to. I wish we could remain frozen frames in pictures, you being you, me being me and us being us...in frames where all the things that tore us apart would cease to be of any importance. I wish all context would leave us.

I've never liked saying goodbyes. Who does?

love, 12:23
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One week left

Just finding some reasons to procrastinate...

I could be using this time to do something about the atrocious state that my language disorders assignment is currently in, or perhaps to improve the clarity of my presentation on some infant's swallowing that will take place T.O.M.O.R.R.O.W. But no, I choose to put periods in between all the letters that make up 'tomorrow'. Somebody shoot me.

I'm not being lazy, I believe I am not. I am simply overwhelmed. Even when I read, I see words strung together in sentences that don't mean anything to me. I type, and I hit backspace, I hit backspace and I hold it there until every word's gone. Then I attempt to piece things together. Bits of information from here, there and everywhere. Except I can't seem to do that anymore. Five reports and three presentations later, I am feeling utterly defeated. There's just one more report and one more presentation that I have left to complete...please work out.

I'm so desperate I feel like crying.

love, 21:13
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As people grow

Just submitted an assignment. That feeling is really shiok. Now all I have to do is complete MORE assignments, and study for exams and hope for the best. I'm currently in a state of denial though...sort of hoping that everything would magically work out.

Going back to reality always sucks. Wanhui was here in Melbourne for a night and half a day, and I must say it was such a great escape to hang out, eat and laugh. Just laugh! On eating, whoa, hanging out with WH is literally a non-stop eating spree. I think all the eating we've been doing over a span of less than 24 hours has totally negated the gym session Aaron and I had just before meeting her.

Speaking of gym, my stamina is really bad now. I can barely run twenty minutes on the treadmill before feeling like I would literally pass out if I were to continue. Maybe running just isn't my thing. But then again, running really does come in handy. For some reason I'm always running to catch the train after my violin lessons, and the road leading to the station is unfortunately an uphill path. I'm literally huffing and puffing from the five minutes sprint to the station. I think I'll just blame it on the thalassemia minor...I don't have the same amount of healthy red blood cells as you people, guess I shouldn't be "over-exerting" myself. Oh, the excuses. Haha!

Some pictures to add some colour to this otherwise black-and-white (and grey) space!

Giraffe Cafe

Always remember the moments you shared with your friends laughing like nothing else mattered.

love, 21:37
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12 weeks

Life is a whirl...there are days and moments that slip by so quietly, and other times which drag on and on.

But either way, the second hand never ceases to chase its own shadow, unendingly creeping clockwise. We can never regain the moments that have passed. So why would people ever look back, wishing to say or do something differently with the hope that if they longed for it enough, they would get the chance to do so and change the present they're living in, that is.. today.

The only thing I can do is wait. So, wait I shall.

On another note, I wonder if anyone even reads these things I post anymore? I used to blog as a way of updating people overseas about what was happening yadayada...but I hardly ever talk about what I do anymore. This blog has become some sort of a ranting ground for me. Maybe, for old times sake, I should start injecting more life into this space.

Just thought that you, oh mystery reader, would like to know that I am going to start exercising again, regularly-ish. Last Thursday was the first session with aaron, and I think we made good progress. Hopefully all this exercise and keeping fit mojos will last, and apparently it's meant to be good for your brain, so we shall see just how good it is!

love, 18:17
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I can't keep going through this whole up-and-down cycle.

To be honest, I'm just living day by day and barely pulling through.

Have I mentioned yet how tiring it is to keep on having to be strong, or to at least look like it's all good...

How is it possible that it's been so long but all that has happened is still so raw in my mind, and still hurts me so much that I can't even think about it in a rational way. How is it possible that my mind loses itself if I see you even if just for a second.

I wish I could just forget everything and pretend nothing ever happened.

love, 19:34
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