Commit This to Memory

27 January

Note from Taiping

Last night. Days in Taiping went by so slowly yet so quickly. Everything here in this small sleepy town is slow. People walk slowly, drive at 40km/h tops and yet nobody seems to ever get impatient. It's as if they had grown used to this pace of life and anything faster would be extraordinary, though not necessarily welcome considering the number of elderly folk here. The exception is that people here talk fast, Very fast. And loud too. Also, they seem to eat rather quickly.

I guess I'll be glad to be back in Singapore, but I will miss the way nothing matters here, This place almost feels like the modern day "Never Never Land" for me. Even though I'm 22, my grandparents and all the other grand-folk (i.e. Grand aunties and uncles) all treat me like I'd never grown up. I'm provided and cared for in the same way I had been as a child. No one speaks English to me here and there is no tv/internet. In other words, I'm disconnected from the world that I am often so hopelessly connected to, and with that comes a certain form of release from the pressures and the urgency of reality. Being here has that effect of making my life in Sg/Melb feel like a distant dream that isn't real and that never really happened.

What snaps me back to the real world is the cruel effect of age and time on us mere mortals. Even as I am able to seek respite from the hectic life I generally lead, I am painfully aware of my grandparents becoming weaker and growing older. There can be no clearer sign of reality than this. Being here gives me the temporary illusion of time having stopped, but there is no doubt that the world still is and always will be spinning madly on.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever"

love, 22:27
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Ramble

I know I keep saying that I've "finally finished unpacking"...but this time, I believe, is the final of the finally-finished-unpacking's. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with trying to organise my room and make it "better" - less cluttered, cleaner, easier to clean and the list goes on. I never bothered with these things in the past. I feel like I've gradually started taking more ownership of my own things, and in making my own things feel "right", feel organised etc in recent years (I should say recent months i.e. the past year or two). Maybe it was the whole traumatic experience of Masters that changed me. Setting up everything in a way that makes sense to me and in a way that is organised (I don't claim to be the queen of organisation but this is good by my (past) standards) gives me this sense of accomplishment and ownership I've never quite felt before..like, I own my very own feather duster?! Right now I officially sound like I've lost my mind.

This new sense of ownership and accomplishment from...purchasing my own feather duster (I honestly never thought I would buy a feather duster, that's meant to be something a Mum does), doesn't seem to be carrying over much into other parts of my life. I mean I should be taking ownership of my life, finding and following a life direction with unwavering conviction, striving to change the world around me and making it a better place...basically getting out there and doing what I need to do to secure jobs, be good at what I do, being kind to others and somehow manage a social life in between. But the future still scares the hell out of me, and especially the future's future - after the next two years, what next? I guess they say if you're comfortable then you're not growing, right? And I think, who cares man...I don't need to grow, I just want to know that everything is ok/everything is going to be ok? No, I just want to know that everything is ok and will stay ok.

Then again, when I first moved to Melbourne 6 years ago, around about this time of the year as well...I never thought I would be sitting here in this room, waiting to commence full-time employment in this country and...still typing away in this same old blog. No, I never imagined this day, not even in my wildest dreams. And looking back on the past 6 years, everything was out of my comfort zone, but I had pushed hard in so many ways, worked countless jobs and tried almost everything I'd wanted to learn/do (except hairdressing...). I'm only 22 and those past 6 years have shaped me more than any other years in my life. Sometimes I can't believe it myself.

Being away and being home simultaneously is a paradoxical split that confuses me and complicates my emotions. Happiness will have to be a conscious decision to make for the next two years, even though I am happy, I'm not. That makes no sense but that's what it is, and it confuses me.

Point is, I really miss you but that's not really a point. It's surrounding me and everything I do.

love, 14:55
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Sunday morning

It's funny how the same things can hold such differing degrees of importance at different points in life. What's important now might have been insignificant in the past, in the same way that something that appears significant now may seem unimportant in future. It would be naive to believe that people and things would remain preserved in an idyllic state immune to the corrosive effects of time. Even memories lose their truth as days pass, and only photographs will capture the moment that can never lie about the there and then.

This feels more like a post for Instagram.

love, 13:02
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So everyone knows I over-analyse everything (old news), and well, my latest thought is just mind-boggling and I have most definitely read too much into this but yes. People can convince themselves to believe in anything, even the most ridiculous and unlikely things, so long as it is something they want to believe in. I'm a fine example of one such person.

Today, I caught myself reading and re-reading what you had sent to me.

Honestly I wanted and still do want to say something in return so badly, but I didn't and I haven't done so. There's just a fear holding me back, mostly the fear of not seeing your response from here on and then wondering endlessly - why?

So I revisit those words you wrote, and I read each word carefully and imagine the way you would say each phrase and the expressions you would have, and I begin to write something but delete it all. I tell myself, not today..maybe tomorrow. I put it off so I can hold on to the way receiving a message could make me smile, and yet the one thing I want the most is to write back.

It's so illogical. Most definitely crazed. And I wonder if that's why you take days to write back to me. For the same reasons as I do.

In other news, don't take what I write in this blog too literally. Most of the time I'm just writing. I've also been busy pole-ing, and trying to make the most of whatever remains of my summer holidays. #makethesedayscount

love, 03:42
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If you remember me than I don't care if everyone else forgets

Maybe he knew the whole time, that those were the thoughts on my mind. Moments of silence, of us both looking straight ahead and not at each other. Each precious moment that went by not stopping for anything, each moment that was reality once and then nothing but a memory next. A memory that would replay over and over, a memory that people would tell you to move on from. And the present that we're meant to cherish? It's so fragile. Here one moment, gone the next.

I wish he had called, I wish I could redefine the words that spell out the things I dread.

I don't think I have ever felt quite so glad yet sad all at the same time. There are so many things about now that I wish could change, but if there's a time for everything, maybe now isn't the time.

---

If communication is meant to be important, why do so many people not do it. I don't, I can't understand.

In any case, I've unpacked the bulk of my things (apart from my clothes). And I guess that's symbolic of my acceptance of this "new life". It isn't really new. I've lived here for ten years before. But this transition hasn't been as straightforward as I had imagined it to be.

I wish we would talk more. I want to ask you what's wrong but it doesn't seem to be the right thing to do.

I'm glad it happened, whatever the end might be.

love, 12:31
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Promise you won't forget (me)/I promise.

I wonder where to from here. It's 10 pm/1 am. I feel like I need to go to bed.

Unpacking starts tomorrow. I can't believe this is it. Everything feels so distant. It's a fine balance between closing the distance and appearing needy, I don't quite know what's happening.

Monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday sunday x a hundred and twelve.

Is this what my life is meant to be? Always almost but not quite?

love, 01:08
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What's worth nothing yet means everything

It's funny how things never work out in the way you expected.

People ask me why I don't just say how I feel, and they tell me that I can't expect someone else to know the things that are going through my mind when I don't say anything.

I say I choose my battles. Not everything is worth fighting for, and some things lose their worth when made yours only through force.

---

It makes me sad to know that for the first time in six years, you won't be around. What is really heartbreaking though, is the way we have been here together for six years but you have never really been around and nothing has changed. If anything, we seem to have settled deeper into our "roles". I'm always giving and you're always taking. More and more and more. I don't know how you feel about it, but I know I am getting increasingly resentful, and I don't really know what I'm saying anymore.

Our lack of communication, my tendency to never put you at fault for anything, your tendency to take our friendship for granted. I'm afraid I will end up hating you someday for always taking me for granted, but I could never hate you.

Maybe it was always in my head. A figment of my imagination, a dream I confused with reality.

---

To be really honest, I wish I could tell you how I felt and how I feel but the words never seem to want to come out. I feel so incoherent right now. My mind feels cluttered, and I don't have the words to spell out my thoughts.

Two words that occupy my mind. This hurts.

That something could seemingly mean nothing to one, but everything to another, that you're the one but I'm just another.

love, 00:22
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(sing me anything)

Let me think, I have no thoughts but my mind feels immensely cluttered.

Let go, let go, let go. Let it all go. Chase nothing, wait purposefully.

And just like that, 2013 is gone. Seconds ticked away all year, the minute hand inched forward all year, and yes, just like that - joyous voices counting down the last 10 seconds. And yes, just like that, before I knew it, everyone around me was wishing another person a happy new year. I felt like I was in a whirr of something unreal. Yet it was as real as it could get. I was silent, before I knew it was time for me to reflect what others around me were doing.

Honestly, I would hold on to 2013 if I could. It was one of the best years I have had in awhile.

I start each year with a certain sort of unsettledness, I start each year thinking about the people I hope to still be in contact with at the end of that year, and I start each year praying fervently for peace in my heart. It's peace, that keeps me sane.

It's no use saying 2013 was any different from the rest of the other years. Every year came with its own unique set of challenges and each year involved its own share of uncertainty and risks taken. I don't quite know what it is about 2013 that made me want to hold on to it a little longer. Perhaps that was driven by the fact that while each and every year came with challenges, 2011 and 2012 were particularly difficult. I associate loss strongly with 2011 and 2012. Loss of loved ones, being at a loss, loss.

If I could summarise 2013 in one word, it would be hope. I have been filled with hope throughout this past year, I don't know why, but I have been. Despite the hope I maintain, I know in my heart that the one thing I have been fighting so hard to remain hopeful about will not materialise. But I continue to hope in it. It gives me a reason to continue to just be, happy.

In 2014, I would like to, I need to, let go. I'm moving countries, leaving Melbourne, and I need to let go. There can be no beginnings without endings, and I need to let go of the hope that what I had in 2013 would never end.

10 days that will undoubtedly pass by before I know it, just like the countdown to the new year. I have made mistakes, I have struggled, I have learnt, I have seen the most beautiful sights and the most heartbreaking, I have loved, I have laughed, and I have lived. And as I leave, all I wish for is that you remember I was once here with you. I want you to remember that you walked down those streets with me, and that we laughed so hard at the things we did, we laughed so hard we laughed to the point of tears. The things I want to say never come out the right way, but I would be happy if you would remember that you have the best of me and always will.

love, 00:33
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