It shows on my face
It's one of those days again, where I don't feel like studying (at all). My to-do list is staring at me, I just don't want to study, absolute no motivation at all.
What am I doing with my life. I want to fast-forward, I want to rewind, I want to go to the future, I want to go back to how things were, I seem to want everything but the present and the now.
All good things come to an end
I don't know how to disentagle myself. We have so many memories together, you're slowly but surely becoming the one I can't run away from. You've built me up, so why are you doing this now? I've been giving myself excuses just to cover up the fact that you've found someone better to dream with.
Each time you come back for me, you know I will always be here waiting for you. You said the best thing about us is that we are always there for each other but when have you really been there for me?
Why are things so different, ever since your life changed for you, and for me.this path, silence silence silence. And yet, I'm still there, just there.
I don't want to give up. Memories kill me. It's scary how so many things in my life have come to be associated with you. All around me, every single thing. You used to feel this way too, but that's over. Needless to say, I must've done something somewhere. It's not hard to guess, I jinx a lot of things.
Gotta spend some time, love
Après mon cours français aujourd'hui, tout ce que je pense c'est d'aller vivre à Paris! C'est mon rêve irréaliste. Je viens d'écouter un lecteur de psychologie....Ce n'était pas vraiment ennuyeux, mais j'étais assez distrait. Je me demande...c'est dommage. Mon ami disait à moi qu'elle parle bien français quand elle est ivre. Peut-être je devrait l'essayer? Ah well.
Am I a hypocrite if I tell myself how much I really do not care at all, but then think about it every night just before I sleep? Anyway, I had a fairly interesting conversation with two of my classmates today. One of them is 32 and the other 28, only I didn't know that one of them was 28 until today...sidetrack...during the psych lab today which was on morality, there were debates on whether morality is inherently rational or if it was guided more by emotion and intuition. There was this big debate going on about it, and it suddenly struck me that there isn't going to be a universal theory...no grand theory of some sort which everyone is going to fit in. What's with the obsession of categorising (domestication, in self and other terms, can't believe I'm using this term outside the context of Uni :S) and trying to bring everyone down to a level by which we can understand the exact ways which their actions would unfold. Well my point of bringing this up is perhaps to say how the world is so full of diversity, and it's a shame not to celebrate it and just you know, revel in the marvelous mysteriousness of it all.
Back to the conversation with above-mentioned classmates...I don't really know how to describe what I want to say. But I feel like I need room to breathe from my current lifestyle, from the many obligations I feel I have and just live. I'm not saying obligations in the sense that I'm not enjoying everything I do, but well, you know what I mean. If anyone has a better word to replace 'obligations' please tell me. It was also a refreshing conversation in the sense that it helps me realise once again that this is my life and I'm only going to have this moment once. There's really no need to brood over things as they are now because nothing's gonna remain constant. If I want change no one can make it happen but me. Easier said then done though. Sometimes I feel like I meet all these really dynamic people in my life, who just dare to be different, really different, for a change. While here I am fretting when I miss a tutorial. Like, seriously?! A friend of mine just moved to Bristol, without a real solid plan of where he's gonna be living, or what he's gonna be doing etc. I also recently met these two backpackers from Germany who are travelling the world, just hitting each country with a backpack (lol) and looking for jobs on the go.
Could I ever do that?! Possibly, but easier said then done. My very asian mum would probably flip out (and die of shock), and that aside, do I have it in me? I really don't know. Like I said in my little paragraph in french above, I have this unrealistic dream of living in Paris, especially after today's french class (we're learning a little about French cities and culture now). I just want to go away, you know. Though I believe that I would miss home as I know it, I feel like...I really need something new, something that's my choice for a change, the past three years have largely been dictated for me, and while it's not exactly a bad thing...I don't know. Oh well, just some random, incoherent thoughts for y'all.
I'm going to live in Paris someday. Even if just for a little while.
Je dis, il dit, mais personne ne sait.
Je ne sais pas quoi dire, tu es mon meilleur ami, mais les choses sont différentes maintenant. Tu ne répondes pas mes textos, ou à mes appels. Je sais que tu as beaucoup de choses qui occupant ton temps ces jours-ci, mais ne tu oublies tes amies? Je ne peux pas nier que les choses entre nous ne sont plus les mêmes et ce qui me rend triste, mais, qu'est-ce que je peux faire? Rien! Je n'essaie pas de plus...
Sur en outre note.......voilà, universitaire commence demain. Le temps passe très vite. J'ai besoin de faire mes études une fois de plus! Maus tout ce que je veux faire, c'est utiliser mon appareil photo...oh là là, je dois réviser le francais.........!
