Commit This to Memory

So tell me what you're thankful for

There's no such thing as "meant to be". We all have to fight for what we want, and every little decision we make leads us to the supposed meant-to-be outcome.

2010 took off with a great start, I can't really say it's ending with a bang. There are many decisions which sometimes still haunt me when I least expect them to.There are the things I should've done but didn't do. It's just scary that a year's over. I remember how mundane each year used to be back in primary school, or secondary school. There wasn't ever much of a deviation from the everyday routine. Yet the past two years in uni have shown me how things can happen, and things do happen. I started the past two years with some sort of expectation in mind of how things would turn out. Needless to say, each of both years' events took their own turn..my expectations had no say.

I'm not hoping for much in 2011, I just want to be happy. It's that simple.

love, 23:03
0 comments

Just a dream

I can't remember the last time I was this unstable.

I'm starting to think it's not just my fault, your actions contradict, I just don't know which one to believe.

Why is it that people say one thing and do another. Or worse, do one thing, and say another. It just confuses me.

There's always been pretence in the life I know as far as I can remember. It's not okay to not be alright, it's for something better, it's the plan..blahblahblah. Heck, now I can't stop this. It seems like I'm the only one who feels this way, but maybe they're all pretending, just like I am. Maybe they all feel the same way I do, but we've all learnt to hide it. I need some transparency, yet it's too late. I don't want it anymore. I don't know why it's just me who got affected this way.

I'm just a facade. And I single-handedly destroyed the one thing that made me believe I could be more than this. People wonder why I held on to you, but it doesn't matter anymore anyway. And all the others? I don't know why I can't keep them, not one has ever stayed.

Being stuck in between two places is the worst ever. I don't wanna go back, I can't move forward.

This is starting to get so crazy, yet I know I'll be okay. I hope I'll be. Do you believe that these thoughts are in the minds of all beings...I do. I'm still the same person as I was when you last saw me, but these thoughts have always been with me since their creation. One day they'll leave, I hope it comes soon.

love, 00:11
0 comments

Today, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I've been pulling myself in so many different directions I redefine the word 'lost' for myself.

Hide me away, and keep me hidden. I don't want to face what I have done, and the fact that everything on the surface crumbles so easily when I'm faced with the past.

love, 03:38
0 comments

Dead and gone, when all's been said and done

I don't know why I can't move on, but I'll just wait and see.

Thank you God, for giving me friends who don't judge me for all the things I shouldn't be feeling, and for all the bad decisions I've been making.

Happy birthday Grace, I love you.

love, 17:29
0 comments

Blackholes and revelations

There are many things in life I can't understand. One day I might snap, because I'm sick of all these mind games you play. But doing that would automatically result in feelings of regret about past decisions. And I said I wouldn't regret it.

Remember who loved you when nobody else did.

If it's 50-50, you know it's a no. Played out.

Sorry, it's Christmas, I really should focus more on the fact that I'm saved by Jesus, rather than all these trivial matters. Merry Christmas to all.

love, 21:53
0 comments

70-30

On the bus today, I suddenly realised that the reason why we are such great friends is the same reason why I grew to resent you. You always assumed that I would never get upset, and I never did (or rather, never did in front of you). But that's why we managed to stay close, because life is never 50-50.

love, 05:13
0 comments

It might freak you out if you knew

Hate the feeling where I think I might've screwed up.

How much I missed you.

love, 12:06
0 comments

Currently waiting for Sasha to come and meet me. KL has turned out better than I expected! It's true, whenever you have high hopes for something, it always turns out pretty bland..vice versa. As the saying goes, a pessimist is always either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

love, 14:55
0 comments

love, 14:53
0 comments

love, 14:48
0 comments

When you go

1. Such a strange feeling in me.

2. It's so silly sometimes I feel like I'm taking all the wrong turns and I don't know how I ought to feel.

3. He's making me trust him, and I do. Maybe I have issues but I'm just prepping myself for the day when everything suddenly turns to nothing real but something from my imagination.

4. But lately I've been starting to let go, and it really feels good.

love, 12:25
0 comments

Same shit, different day

Sometimes I don't know why she reacts this way. Sometimes it hurts me so much just to know that she still doesn't trust me. I don't know what she wants from me, I give her just about everything she could expect from me...I show her respect, I give her good grades, I work for most of my own personal expenses and I hardly ever ask her for anything. She was never there, you know, she doesn't know anything about my life from when I was 13 till 16. And when I was younger she just used to work so much. Now I'm here with her, why doesn't she trust that I know what I'm doing. After all, I've already spent so many years without her in my life.

It's fine if she doesn't trust me, I wish she would just say it. I don't know how long I can go on with this crazy cycle until I go crazy myself. It's a sick cycle - she starts going on and on and on, and I just listen and I don't even know why I suppress it all in me I don't even say a word back when it's killing me inside. So she's happy she gets her way, while I pretend it's alright. We don't talk. I'm not angry, I don't even know what I really feel. I just feel like bursting. The next day, she leaves me a note, saying she's sorry, and that she wouldn't react in such a way again, that she trusts me, she knows I can manage my own life. And because I just can't stay angry for long I react like it's all okay...until the whole cycle repeats itself.

At the same time, who am I to say that I'm disappointed when really, nothing could ever disappoint me more than I have disappointed God. I should never even feel any angst at all towards her, but yet I do. I submit through my physical actions, but I know in my heart, I still can't do it without all these negative emotions.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. Everytime this happens, so many other painful memories surface as well. I don't know why or how. It takes me every bit of self restrain not to scream and just curse at someone, something, anything.

love, 23:49
0 comments

What if someone better came his way?

I don't know when it started or how it started, but my insecurities are starting to consume me. I know who I am, but I'm afraid one day I might crumble and fall.

love, 01:53
0 comments