Commit This to Memory

Look up!

Went on a crazy road trip yesterday. The initial plan was to head to Geelong, swim, go to the vineyard there and then head back to Melbourne. Every beach we went to in Geelong though was..meh..so we refused to swim in any of them. Decided to drive from Geelong down to Portalington thinking the beach might be a little nicer there. Stopped by two vineyards and a brewery on the way. Had the best beer of my life, already managed to forget the name somehow. Pilsner something, something pilsner.

Anyway...the beach at Portalington was, awkward. Long story. Randomly decided to drive even further down to Queenscliff and take the ferry from there to Sorrento! Was just being extremely spontaneous. So yeah, drove the car up the ferry, went up to the top of the ferry and experienced the craziest winds ever. Actually, the wind yesterday was nothing compared with the winds at the Victoria Peak in Hong Kong, but it felt pretty intense anyway.

Continued driving from Sorrento and went down to Rye beach. Finally!! A nice beach! Swam for a bit and we were all freezing to death after. Decided to again, spontaneously..visit the Peninsula Hot Springs. So five dripping wet asians got into the car and went to the Hot Springs. Felt like heaven.

I haven't written posts like this in a long time, you know, detailing everything that happened. Fine it's not detailed, but pretty detailed for me. But point is, yesterday was a great break from all the unhappiness I've been trying to overcome lately. I guess it's not just yesterday, but yesterday was one day that made me realise all over again how I really need to let go of the past and just embrace today. That way, I can look to the future and know that I deserve better than what he did to me.

On another note. Really not looking forward to starting uni and placement again.

love, 11:06
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The link

I remember one evening, amidst all the noise from everyone else around us, you looked at me with those eyes and I remember walking home that night thinking, how is it possible? That both of you had those same eyes and that same look.

And now in my mind, a character in a tv show that links the three of us together. It wasn't meant to happen this way. I wonder if he sees me in other people sometimes. If he would have a quirky off-beat spontaneous moment with someone else and find there, an uncanny resemblance to an old memory from a year ago, or maybe six.

The strongest link reminds me again and again, not to trust, or to think even for a moment that you're someone I can count on. I'm thankful for this link that will no doubt serve to protect me.

love, 11:32
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Because life is fragile

My dear friend of eight years,
going on nine.
I wish I could be there with you
To make you laugh
cos you always laugh with me.

The use of words to express,
that pain would go and
that things will be ok.
That would be a lie.

Fact is, death on earth for us
it's really the end.
Things won't ever be okay,
if okay is how things used to be.

Things can only get better,
and it'll only get better if we tell ourselves it is better.

But you're so strong,
for it seems I'm more upset than you are.
Someday when you read this,
I hope you know that I'm always
keeping you,
in my thoughts, and
in my prayers,
prayers that you'll remember what you told me,
"it's all in God's plan".
and prayers that God will send you people
to keep you in their love and
to make things brighter on those days,
where everything's just not going right.

love, 10:56
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I'll blame it on the drinks I had last night.
Deep down I wanted to just eat and
Deep down I wanted to drown out the thoughts I keep on having.
Deep down I knew everything that was happening,
Deep down I used it as a distraction, that people might see me and not see what I was really feeling.
I don't know how much deeper down that bottomless pit I can go.

But it'll be a one-off.

It's hard to be apart,
everyone wants to be a part.

love, 10:01
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I miss my friends, and the way their laughter chases away every broken hearted thought.

Skype is the next best thing.

love, 09:31
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Linger

Lightning that tears through the sky
And the thunder that follows -
Deafening with an angry roar,
Other times a meek rumble

My hands cover my ears,
But nothing blocks out the thunder.

I see him - one moment is all it takes,
A flash and old wounds come undone.
I close my heart, I build a wall,
Nothing seems to protect me from
The sadness that follows,
The sadness that no one sees.

The sadness that lingers;
Long after everyone's gone

The thunder that surely comes
With every flash of lightning.
I can't escape.

Why can't I let go
When he turned his back on me

I should just accept the reason as there being no reason.

love, 22:08
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Changes

I had a friend,

whom I looked to as the pinnacle of purity.

Purity isn't quite the word,

She had the perfect temperament

and a tolerance of a saint.

Not once had I seen her show a hint of anger,

Her dark eyes always smiling.

I still have a friend, but she's different now. She's growing into the person I never thought she would be, but yet surely knew that she would be.

I always saw it in her,

for she used to tell me she could identify with what I would write.

I never saw it in her,

she used to tell me how I could change what I felt.

---

Summer heat,

Sidney myer to old arts,

to babel through to tram 19.

Flashbacks of summer school,

or first year, second, and third,

of the places where I met people.

Summer school;

Daily lunch dates,

we're hardly friends now

First year;

Campus map, unending queues,

we're hardly friends now

Second year;

I can barely remember anything,

Was I even in uni?

Third year;

Castros and Redmond Barry, times infinity.

The labyrinth and library next to it.

And what really happened?

I miss -

Third year and the simplicity I found;

I miss him.

Looking back, it did start when I was in third year.

I pushed it aside, I was caught up with someone and something that would never amount to anything.

Everyone told me he was trouble; I knew he was trouble. I had known since we were 16.

Am I doomed to the same mistakes for the rest of time.

love, 23:42
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For the third night now

Only when the goal is unattainable
Do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
And this deep secret
that hasn't come out yet
is burried, down deep
with the rest

Dreams of him for the third night.
I miss him and maybe I can only choose anger or sadness and nothing else in-between.

But if he's never coming back I should let it go, not just say I'm going to but really do it.

love, 15:13
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The opposite of what I know

There are a few precious moments where reality and dreams coexist. You know the moments where the sound of your alarm cuts through your dream, and those moments where you first reach out to kill that alarm with your eyes still closed. Being awake but still in that dream. I've been having all these dreams at night, dreams of us being back together. Those first few moments of being awake, I can never tell what's real.

I don't wanna be there when I hit the ground. Can I leave myself for a bit?

---

Two more weeks till the start of uni. I'm not looking forward to travelling to Frankston for placement. Why Frankston, why? Hoping for a 9am start...anything earlier would be extremely unfortunate considering the travel time is 1 hour 30 mins. Plus selecting thesis topics. How in the world am I supposed to choose one. Sometimes I live life not wanting to make a choice, but rather just going with the flow. I just don't want to have to live with making a "bad choice". Case in point, selecting a topic for thesis. What if I pick an absolutely lousy/difficult/more-work-than-necessary topic?!

Anyway, my holidays have been rather intense. Been working a lot, teaching uke, going for the most boring training course (ever), doing work observations, planning stuff for fundraising....I need my two other team members to come back from their holiday already. I'm going crazy trying to find people for cheap labour, people to perform, families to cook, items to decorate and the list goes on on on and on. Spent the whole of thursday afternoon sewing batu serembans (five stones). It was NOT easy. Guess I pretty much brought it upon myself, considering I was too lazy/cheap to buy new fabric and the only fabric I had at home were leftover scraps from making my grandmother's tops - and that fabric was unfortunately very very limp and soft.

For those who don't sew, limp/soft material is the most difficult thing to work with, and as I recently discovered...that difficulty is multiplied about hundred-fold when you're using that fabric for small items. I tried hand-sewing and it was proving extremely frustrating...so, out came the sewing machine. Who would have known, that using such a tiny little piece of fabric would result in it being caught in the sewing machine. You have no idea...it was a 35 degree day, and there I was having the tug-of-war of my life with the sewing machine. Not the best way to spend the afternoon.

Decided to use paper as a base, so the fabric wouldn't get caught in the sewing machine. That worked like a charm. It was amazing. Rip off the paper, invert the "bag", fill with rice and hand sew the final edge!

Progress from left to right: getting better hopefully? The first one looks so bad.

First set on the left and second on the right. The second set looks so much more refined and presentable, but considering I spent a really long time on the first set...I'm just gonna use it anyway (lol).

love, 11:01
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HCNY

Everyday is still busy busy busy x infinity. It's good and bad. Good cos I don't have time to dwell on things. Bad because it feels like my life is just going in clockwork. I haven't really had time to just sit down and consider things I have to do. Such as, placement experience summary. Just saying that cos it's super urgent now I think it's been overdue for a week. Then again, it's probably more a case of me not wanting to actually do it rather than an issue of time. Oops.

On another note, I've been practicing my whistling skills. One day I might REALLY get good enough to be a whistling whistler...whistling whistling you get the drift? I remember wanting to set up a whistling group long long ago, oh those were the days that now feel like nothing more than a dream. Still a long shot though, by practicing my whistling I really mean just well, whistling in the shower. You know how people sing in the shower? I've been utilising that time to whistle. Talk about effective time management. I should write a book.

---

Just two photos from a random night out with Sash and Alex. We went to Club Retro and the music was the best I've been to in awhile. Just old school beatzzzz, a bunch of med students (there was a med party going on in there lol), other oldies, and us...of course, with our tacky dance moves. I guess this whole "clubbing" thing sometimes does create a huge controversy...controversy?? Anyway, as I was saying...I won't deny that in general going "clubbing" is associated with many negatives i.e. getting drunk, hooking up with random hot/not-so-hot guy or girl, engaging in *censored* behaviour etc. Who knows. I guess it's the environment. But if you know where you're drawing the line, I really don't see the harm in it. Usually when both you and your group of friends have the same mindset towards a night out, such as just going for some good music and to bust out the worst dance moves one could possibly think of, it is pretty fun. I just don't like people who jump to conclusions about a person's character just because they find out that person went to a club. For example, when we go out...Alex and I don't even take alcohol, well Alex because he's driving (lol), but anyway I guess my point is that while clubs in general are associated with many bad stories, it doesn't mean that you would necessarily be engaging in behaviour that isn't aligned with your general principles just because you step into a club.

That probably might come across as a whole load of excuses to some, but well it's controversial right, it's meant to be complicated. I'm not advocating going clubbing, but just yeah. I will admit a club in general might be a place of temptation for many many people, so be smart. If you know you can't handle that temptation, then don't go. If you know that your friends are there for different intentions, don't go. Otherwise, it really is just a harmless night out. Or at least, I have never encountered or felt immense peer pressure of any sort to do any thing that I don't think is right. Besides there are so many different types of clubs, choose the right one. I wouldn't do it too often though, just cos it is tiring...and I generally enjoy sleeping at about 11pm.

Goodness, I didn't intend to write so much about that...I hope no one gets offended and that no one jumps to their own conclusions based on whatever I said :/ you know the world these days...everything's crazy. That's all I can say.

Should probably stop procrastinating, there are a heap of things waiting to be done. Life in clockwork.

love, 16:06
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Going nowhere

I have dreams. I have hopes. I have dreams, hopes but I have no faith.

Most days, I live my life and I hold on to those dreams and those hopes, and I tell myself everything will work out. Some days, the faithless soul in me rises up and scoffs at the optimistic outlook I try to have in life. They say it's important to have a dream, and I do have one. Yet this internal battle in me never ceases. It's a daily struggle and some days I get tired.

I guess today's just one of those days. Perhaps it has finally sunk in that I'm going to be in Melbourne for the rest of this year, and that I'm going to have to try to make things here work.

Maybe dreams should remain as they are - dreams, and I should just let it slide.

love, 22:02
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Back to the mill

Spending 6 days in a foreign land, and then returning to another foreign land that is supposed to be "home" for the next year. 2013 has been nothing short of crazy since it started. One month and 5 days later, I'm finally able to just slow down and catch my breath. There is so much to see, to learn, and to do. The year looks to be a long one, but I know it'll fly past and this time next year, I'll be looking back and wondering where all the days went.

I'm looking forward to the end of 2013. Graduating. Getting a job. One year closer to seeing what could be in the future. I'm hoping to get some experience in Melbourne before leaving and going back to Singapore. I can't believe it's been this many years, so many misadventures and so many challenges. Living in Melbourne has given me the chance to grow and to be strong on my own. I will miss the independence of living here but I don't know if I'll be happy here without the people closest to me.

Just some pictures from Hong Kong and Singapore. Mostly from Hong Kong. Land of dim sum, neon lights, and non-stop traffic. Truly a city that never sleeps.

Hong Kong

Singapore!

Hong Kong!

Ruins of St Paul in Macau. Took the bus in the wrong direction and nobody speaks English in regular Macau man...I almost died trying to ask for directions in my half-baked cantonese.

Could be Hong Kong..or Kowloon. I have no clue.

Tai-O village. Loved it here. Reminded me so much of my hometown in Taiping, minus the whole fishing village thing...alright, don't think I'm making much sense.

Ocean Park Cable car! I have a new found love for cable cars. Too bad the one at Lantau island was closed when we went. What are the odds...we go once in 365 days and it's closed. Not trying to sound dramatic, but my biggest regret in Hong Kong is not taking the cable car at Lantau island!!!

My memory is so poor I honestly can't remember where this picture was taken. Sheung wan?

Here's a random photo of Singapore's harbour. Just to mix things up a little (lol).

Causeway bay!

TST Promenade. Neon lights, light breeze and the salty ocean air

In HK, you get building against building agains building, and everything just seems taller and more narrow. Even the buses and the trams.

I love Hong Kong!! But living there would be pretty stressful. It's extremely busy and crowded and I really dislike the amount of cars and smokers (i.e. pollution!!). I can't even begin to imagine how bad it would be in summer where it's gonna be hot and humid. Hong Kong as a holiday destination though is amazing. Or perhaps I could retire in Hong Kong...tuck myself away in a mountain on Lantau Island. The views up in the mountains in Hong Kong are breathtaking. The mountains in the distance with the tips slightly shrouded in clouds, and the southern China sea that reflects the sun and is almost glistening/dazzling/just-really-amazing. I have no words, and no picture because pictures just can't capture the sheer majesty and beauty of it all. Not an iPhone camera image anyway.

Ferris wheel <3 p="">

Thailand/Vietnam/Laos/Cambodia??

The bridge that seems to go on forever! Forever! And ever!!

160 steps up to the giant Buddha. Yes, we climbed it. I don't even know why.

Back to work tomorrow!

On a random note, I honestly never thought there would be so many people asking for ukulele lessons. I think I have been teaching almost non-stop since my first student.

love, 23:23
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