Commit This to Memory

It's over, and I can do anything I want.

I only wish it was over yesterday so I could've gone out last night. It sounded like a lot of fun from JL's blog.

Anyway, there doesn't seem to be very much to do apart from the fact that I don't have to study.

Went to crown after my last paper and that's about it, spent the whole night playing random games.

I just feel a bit empty for some reason.

love, 02:08
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Winner!

OMG I WON SOMETHING!!!!!!

Wasn't intending to blog but seeing as...I WON!!!!!....I decided to blog about it. And maybe some other stuff as well....cos it's just TOO HARD TO STUDY THE WHOLE DAY WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS ANYMORE:(

Still can't believe I won. Initially, I was thinking this might be one of those boost things, where it used to say "congratulations! you have won NOTHING", but it wasn't. AHA! This reminds me of the colour break up m&ms competition. I remember BOONHEE saying I'll NEVER win any such competitions. BUT! I won! I WON! woohoo..sorry, you just don't understand, I've NEVER won anything like this. I've always been unlucky.

Talking about unlucky...I can't believe how unlucky I was last night. Was at Tiff's playing some drinking games. Knocked over THREE cards because of laughing at Sasha knocking over ONE card -.- and had to drink this disgusting concoction of vodka, orange and honey. At least it wasn't oyster sauce.

Anyway I woke up in the middle of the night with this throbbing headache, and was thinking...what in the world, delayed adrenaline rush??? Was thinking of sleeping till noon or something but Dom called and woke me up at 9ish bleh.

Need to study. Go go go...it's just one last paper, what's wrong with me superman????

love, 14:28
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You know, I think I really miss home. I need to laugh because I'm happy, and not because it's funny. Somehow those words from a friend are still ingrained in my mind. He said he's never seen me laugh because I'm happy, not like how I did in one of those pictures he's seen.

Makes me think, what's wrong?

Supposed to meet boonhee in fifteen minutes time. Yet I'm here still deciding if I should go.

Was it something that I said,
Was it something that I did,
Cos I've gotta know what made me unbeautiful.

love, 21:01
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Far past these roads

Bad day. ARGH.

I'm having a headache because having to study for the last exam is annoying the hell out of me. Why WHY WHY!!!!

There's also been that annoying feeling creeping around in the back of my head, making me all angsty and suspicious. I really wanna get rid of this feeling, especially the thought which keeps coming up..again, and again, and again. "Go get a life, stop picking on mine"

Am I such a bitch sometimes? I don't mean to be, but honestly, I hate how people just annoy me to no end by "picking on every single thing". I don't need you to tell me everything's wrong with me just so you might feel a little better about yourself. Oh, now I just sound like someone who thinks she's all that.

Hah.

Man, why am I being so grouchy. Anyway it's alright, I'll get over it :|

Who is annoymous? You know, it might be my dad, I mean...he's supposed to like me. HAHA!

love, 17:16
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Baby just say yes.

I could write a 10 000 word thesis, but that would make me lose my point.

Drowning myself in my multiple jobs and schoolwork, it does make time pass by less painfully. Sometimes I wish some people would just shut the hell up, for they know nothing.

Nothing. There's nothing on this Earth really worth knowing.

love, 20:54
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Tell me where will you hide

Today = Tiring.

Worked from 12-4, cell from 4-7, and then gave tuition from 8-10.

NEED A BREAK, but since tomorrow's work from 11-5, and church from 6-8.....I reckon I need to study a bit today as well.

My life swings from one extreme to another. I could be so bored with absolutely nothing to do one moment, and then bam, I've got so much to do I can hardly breathe.

There's nothing exciting to update, I have no life :(

love, 22:15
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Me and you what's going on?

I wonder what happened to the first times in my life, the colours that used to paint themselves, the transparencies. Have they been replaced by ambiguity, and a never ending rat race?
All I need is another night at a concert, another walk down those lanes, another evening by the river, another ride along those tracks, another time of walking the long way, another repeat of the year before, and let everything stop there because the future feels so uncertain. (June 2007)

Because the future feels so uncertain.

I think I was really scared back then, not that I'm any less right now. But it's different, the fear then and the fear now is so different. Still, those desperate feelings come back from time to time. Just last night, I had a dream and I really wonder what it meant.

Guess I should just go back to studying the definitions of crime.

Crime as criminal law violation.
Crime as norm infraction.
Crime as social constructs.
Crime as ideological censure.
Crime as historical intervention.

Crime, I hate crime. Can you believe there are TEN different definitions of crime, well it's not that unbelievable...and none of these definitions are satisfactory according to the journal in the reader. There always is a problem, such as assumptions of what a norm should be, the criminogenic characteristics of criminal law and social consensus of what is deviant etc etc ETC!

Ah, far out.

love, 22:09
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Don't Go Away

Have to start studying criminology soon. Starting is always the hardest part.

Actually, I might have to start tonight because one of my ex bosses called me to go in and work tomorrow. Which means, I wouldn't have much time to study tomorrow.

Let's see, I studied a total of 15 hours for PPE over 8 days. I guess, with intensive revision focused on just criminology alone over the next week, I should be able to revise everything I need to for Crim by next friday.

ARGH. Stupid exam.

love, 20:19
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All This Beauty

Just spent something like an hour transfering music from my old ipod to my computer. So damn tiring, dare I say I'd rather be studying?

HAH GOTCHA. So glad I don't have to study today. Anyway I'm glad I FINALLY got down to organising the ipod bought from Darren. It was driving me crazy because I'll want to listen to something only to find it's not in there. Maybe I'm developing some of Jinli's super organisation/systematic-ism. I've still gotta sort through what's in the ipod itself though...there is a lot of music in there I don't actually listen to (his songs). For the first time ever I've got so many songs from artists like Bowling For Soup....hahaha, and it was so frustrating listening on shuffle because I'll spend all my time skipping songs.

Three exams down and just one to go. Exams have been alright, just glad that PPE and marketing are done and over with. Psychology was a little, annoying.

Actually all the exams were a "surprise" to me, except marketing. Feel so cheated because I TRUSTED the lecturers when they said the exam was not going to be a surprise. Especially for PPE. Section A FLOORED me today, I couldn't answer any of the questions based on the way I studied :(

But I'll take some responsibility lol, I guess it wasn't a good idea studying just based on the sample exam. Happiness surveys..psh. Why haven't I been given one to do yet, I'll love to see what a happiness survey is, first-hand.

Damn, why can't criminology be on the 24th or something, so I have time to study, and also go to Eve on the 25th with Sasha and the rest :( It's okay, by not clubbing, I er,.....SAVE MONEY! bleagh.

love, 22:08
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Freaky Monday

It's been the most eventful Monday I've had in awhile.

I'm so glad to be rid of marketing. The happiness comes in pulses, when I'm walking past the dining table where I did most of the studying, or when I see my(Ingrid's) marketing textbook etc. YAHOO! It's O-V-E-R!

The downside is that it makes me not feel like studying for Psych and PPE, I just wanna be the next masterchef, damnit!

Okay, the masterchef bit was a joke. But it's the latest tv show I've been watching, or rather, the ONLY tv show that I really want to watch so far.

Locked myself out of the house today, which was the stupidest thing I've done in a long long time. Sometimes the stupidity of my actions amaze me, I don't understand how they happen, but they just do. Spent an hour sitting outside my door waiting in VAIN for my brother to return from his exam. With my bad luck that day, honestly...terrible luck, my brother decided he would have lunch outside before heading home. Gee. Bad luck indeeed.

And now you get to see pictures of me....and the walls surrounding the corridor outside my door.

Spent awhile reflecting on my life achievements as well. Haaa jokes, just used that phrase in remembrance of ryan winata. Gee I make it seem like as if he's dead. Don't worry, he's very much alive.. and kicking.

love, 19:11
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Full Circle

Ahlalalala

There's something bothering me and I just can't say it out.

NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN, STOP WORRYING.

Can't wait for thursday, to be 3/4 done with exams and then to finally put this semester behind me.

One revelation I had in the afternoon...life should never revolve around one person only. When that happens, you know moving on is never going to be easy.

Why I'm a living testimony of that.

love, 17:13
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You are allowed to take the following items into the exam room:

writing instruments (pens, pencils, erasers, rulers, etc.)
mathematical instruments (stencils to draw shapes, protractors, etc.)
a bottle of water and a bag of lollies

Got this from Jinli's blog, probably from the uni website. It's hilarious, a bag of lollies!

Anyway, Shusze I WILL EMAIL YOU!!! When must I do it by?

I'm sick of being "fired" by my boss and having this uncertainty, I don't care...my mum keeps thinking I'm going to get swine flu, even from the person I give tuition to -.-

There's no point in this post just that, I am still being stressed by exams and I had a great night earlier at Suyan's Birthday. Long islands and bourbon cokes, and I DID NOT DRINK! I have amazing self control.

Everyone's been talking about how difficult their exams were, some didn't even finish certain papers. SO NERVOUSSSSSSS but I can't really study well nowadays, it always seems like nothing has gone in my head.

Stressssedddddddddd

love, 23:22
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Freeze.

Exams are a really bad time for me, honestly, I keep shopping. Well, online shopping...but it's just as bad. I really like this pair of shoes but it's from some korean website, and various problems arise when I try to purchase it.

1) I don't understand a word of korean (the website is almost entirely korean)
2) Apparently, they only accept deposits into korean banks. (info sourced from peter)

I CAN'T BUY FROM THAT SHOP and stuff is so cheapppppp. Sigh, so near yet so far. Solution...I need to make some korean friends who travel frequently back to korea. Likelihood of that happening, almost nil.

Wow, Jason was playing that at Royal Albert Hall on my birthday last year!

Well all I really wanna do is love you,
a kind much closer than friends use,
but I still can't say it after all we've been through.

It's been way too cold lately, I think I'm burning carbs through shivering the whole time.

I'm actually starting to feel a bit nervous with exams starting on Monday. Marketing is so, I don't even know what to prepare anymore, it's just the whole..marketing mix thing and my brain just turns off when I think about MARKETING :S

Psych on wednesday, PPE on thursday, and an intensive one week studying of Crim for the 26th. Gosh, I really hope one week is enough for Crim. It better be, and I've gotta start memorising some PPE really soon.

Talking about PPE, if the topic I studied for doesn't come up on the exam I'm, erm...I'll be in a very bad situation. Perhaps I should study for at least two topics for each section rather than just one, but none of them seem very appealing. Not to me, anyway. The lecturer did say the exam is not meant to surprise ...right, so going by that, the topic I studied for SHOULD come up in the exam.

I'm not too worried about section b, but more for section A where it's pretty full on the whole...political(???) sphere. See I don't even know what topics the questions are on, that's how bad I am sigh :( Oh but wait, it's supposed to be multi-disciplinary -.- Should the role of governments be to maximise the happiness of their citizens yada yada. Of course they should, how am I to know why they should though. Okay, I should seriously STUDY.

love, 23:17
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Here without you

It's been all rain. I haven't heard the sound of raindrops beating against the window for a long time. Pity I couldn't just lie in bed and be alone with my thoughts but had to study instead...

I'm so over Marketing.

Actually, studying for various exams burn me out. Not studying for them fills me with tremendous guilt. Why why why, so contradictory.

Don't judge me, even if my actions are so questionable, so easy to pass general sweeping statements over.

love, 00:27
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What if

I'm so stressed :(

The worst part is I have no right to. It's only sem 1 of year 1.

Read some emails earlier, and I'm thinking...wow, I have changed, and not necessarily for the better.

What if I had never let you go?

This feeling comes back again. Present tense. Past tense. When will it stop. Does it really have to be that way?

This time though, I see more of my fault, somehow my eyes are opened to all the ways I've hurt you before. I always thought I considered how you would feel..I did, but maybe, somewhere along the way, I overlooked the most important part of it all.

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

Jesus, Jesus,
King of my heart,
King of the broken..

I don't want to miss you. I don't want to live in the past when the present is here and now. You don't really wanna know me, anyway. You've given up on me. And I'm not surprised. I'm really, hopeless.

There were so many phrases, in my face. I only see it now, and I'm sorry.

I sound like an annoying radio...and annoying broken radio. You just can't have your cake and eat it. So let's get back to reading all about psych.

p.s. I love exams.

Did that work??

love, 00:27
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No birds allowed.

Monica's 18th today! Surprising her was a failure because her apartment buzzer comes with this snazzy camera blahblah.....!!!

It seems like we're like the "three musketeers"(how do you spell this??). It's always us three going out and bumming around instead of "studying" uni stuff. And, Sasha is seriously, the ultimate party animal.

Today got pretty out of control. My plan was, surprise monica, go home, have dinner, sit down, relax...etc.

What happened was, a huge mind boggling (and rather pointless) debate about OCF vs Sasha and her drinks vs erm, Jinli being glued to facebook. Anyway, it was a good break from the past week of studying. No one except Sasha brought their ids, and the "bouncer" person outside Cho something something was being a total arse so we went to Max B instead. It's quite funny cos Jinli and BH aren't even underage I think the bouncer was just being a racist, even though it was an ASIAN BEER BAR. Irony..ok I don't really know what I'm talking about now. HA.

Nearly went clubbing, but I decided it would be a really bad idea for me. Actually, thinking back now, it doesn't seem so far fetched. I mean, it's 2 am and I'm still awake...not much difference in the amount of sleep I would get from staying home and not going out. But saying things like that is always easy when I'm just thinking over things. Argh, can't wait for exams to be over to party with no worrrrries.

15, 17, 18, 26! I reckon I'll go out on the 18 or 19 if people are going out. I mean there's a whole week to study for crim, it should be fine...hopefully.

Just a random picture. Practising getting everyone in. I'm really quite bad at that for some reason..
Jinli (in the background): "SIGH we can just put it on the table and use self timer"

Another random thought, I kind of miss my red highlights. Maybe I should get them done again, which is really quite lame considering I tried dyeing them away just three weeks ago. Maybe even two.

You got my heart skipping...
It's funny how I try to say something and then, I try not to. Maybe I'm moving on, but that phrase just irks me now. It seems like I have so much to say, but when it comes to the crunch, I realise there isn't anything, anymore.

I shouldn't bear grudges, but I'm thinking, why didn't you tell me?

love, 01:46
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Swine flu

752 cases.

I feel very, uncomfortable. Not really because of the 752 cases of swine flu, though I guess that should be a matter for concern as well.

It feels bad lying and not turning up to work because my mum thinks I'm going to get swine flu if I go to work. I don't really want to do that, but what else can I do? If I really do get swine flu (choy!) I'll affect everyone everyone me...not just myself. That's the only reason why I'm going to skip work tomorrow, and I feel... terrible.

I hate this feeling.

And I feel so stressed because of that. What should I do? Should I go to work?

Argh.

It also makes me wonder, why do I hold on to my job so tightly? Is it really that important to me? It really really is, and maybe God is just telling me to let go.

love, 00:20
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