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So I can breathe you in
La nuit ♥
Ramble
I know I keep saying that I've "finally finished unpacking"...but this time, I believe, is the final of the finally-finished-unpacking's. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with trying to organise my room and make it "better" - less cluttered, cleaner, easier to clean and the list goes on. I never bothered with these things in the past. I feel like I've gradually started taking more ownership of my own things, and in making my own things feel "right", feel organised etc in recent years (I should say recent months i.e. the past year or two). Maybe it was the whole traumatic experience of Masters that changed me. Setting up everything in a way that makes sense to me and in a way that is organised (I don't claim to be the queen of organisation but this is good by my (past) standards) gives me this sense of accomplishment and ownership I've never quite felt before..like, I own my very own feather duster?! Right now I officially sound like I've lost my mind.
This new sense of ownership and accomplishment from...purchasing my own feather duster (I honestly never thought I would buy a feather duster, that's meant to be something a Mum does), doesn't seem to be carrying over much into other parts of my life. I mean I should be taking ownership of my life, finding and following a life direction with unwavering conviction, striving to change the world around me and making it a better place...basically getting out there and doing what I need to do to secure jobs, be good at what I do, being kind to others and somehow manage a social life in between. But the future still scares the hell out of me, and especially the future's future - after the next two years, what next? I guess they say if you're comfortable then you're not growing, right? And I think, who cares man...I don't need to grow, I just want to know that everything is ok/everything is going to be ok? No, I just want to know that everything is ok and will stay ok.
Then again, when I first moved to Melbourne 6 years ago, around about this time of the year as well...I never thought I would be sitting here in this room, waiting to commence full-time employment in this country and...still typing away in this same old blog. No, I never imagined this day, not even in my wildest dreams. And looking back on the past 6 years, everything was out of my comfort zone, but I had pushed hard in so many ways, worked countless jobs and tried almost everything I'd wanted to learn/do (except hairdressing...). I'm only 22 and those past 6 years have shaped me more than any other years in my life. Sometimes I can't believe it myself.
Being away and being home simultaneously is a paradoxical split that confuses me and complicates my emotions. Happiness will have to be a conscious decision to make for the next two years, even though I am happy, I'm not. That makes no sense but that's what it is, and it confuses me.
Point is, I really miss you but that's not really a point. It's surrounding me and everything I do.
