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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Sunday, 4 August 2013
All the random thoughts

The problem with me is my lack of open communication. It's nobody's fault but my own. Maybe I don't want to face up to reality, maybe I don't want to really truly admit that I had messed up. I'm sweeping things under the carpet, and I'm hoping I'll be able to get away with this. I'm tired of playing this game. I wish I could come clean.

---

And it's still that season again, it's been one year since the dancing turtle's graduation. It feels a little surreal because I was so messed up during this period a year ago. Standing on this side of the imaginary fence, it all seems so fleeting - almost as if it had never happened. But I know what happened, and I remember it like a fact, and I wear it like a soldier wears his armour. Each and every day, I wear this fact on me to remind myself. I hold no grudges, I'm emotionally detached but I'll always carry this with me.

---

The pressures from uni, work, placement and life are really getting to me. All I know is that I can't afford to fall apart, not in the same way I had last year.

Seeking noise, placing myself in the midst of a busy crowd taking deep breaths and looking around me to see people from all different walks of life. People with different lots in life. Do we decide, do our decisions really matter...if what is meant to be will always be? If what's meant to be yours will always come back to you?

---

But this is you, and this has always been you. I know you so well, and I know your habits haven't changed. Not one bit.

That's the danger in my assumptions, do I really know you like I think I do? When the curtain calls we all change - you and me, are we just going through the motions?

---

In all of this mess in my mind, it really comes down to this - what do I want? I tell everyone I want to leave Melbourne. And I do. Thing is, the only valid continuation from that would be - I want to go back to Singapore. And I do. But why am I filled with so much apprehension. I don't want to come to the point where I equate my unsettledness to being in Melbourne and the solution as leaving. But I know I will go to Singapore next year. For my grandparents if not for anything or anyone else.

It's the thought of not belonging anywhere that can drive me to despair, that can drive anyone to despair. Life is so short and unpredictable yet so long and drawn out all at the same time. Everything seems to contain a paradoxical split. Life is short and unpredictable, live everyday like it's the last day you have. Plan for the future, because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I think I'll go along with life being short and unpredictable.

love, 00:19
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