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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Sunday, 7 July 2013
Somehow neither here nor there

I don't like thinking.
I don't like thinking about the future and being unsure.
I don't like thinking about the present, and finding my mind filled with everything I've tried to forget. But why should I forget? Why do I need to forget? I want to remember everything, because one day I know I will forget everything.
I don't like thinking and finding that I have no thoughts apart from the anxiety of not knowing, and the fear of being incompetent.

Perhaps this is why I've always gravitated towards having a routine. Having a constant something to occupy the recesses in my mind. It's easier than dealing with the pain of not knowing anything. It's easier than having to fight the deafening sounds that echo off the hollows.

Sometimes I don't know where I've been or where I am. Everything is whizzing past in an awkward blur and I find myself desperately trying to hold on to each magical moment that soon disappears like dust in the wind.

There are pressures at uni to not sound stupid, to sound smart, to always have a smile and to be marvelous at small-talk. Yet sometimes all I want to do is to be stupid. To walk on the proverbial wrong side of the road, to cartwheel instead of walk, to stay out late and not worry about anything.

I have lost all my originality and I don't know who I am or what I really want to do. The problem is that I want to do so many things but life tells us we can only choose to be one thing.

I study Speech Pathology, but that's not all there is to me. Why then, do I feel that my entire worth as a soon-to-be 22 year old lies in whether I will graduate and find a job, as a speech pathologist no less. I want this, but how much do I really want this?

Time passes, but it also takes. Time takes with it our innocence, our fears, our memories, our love, our life. It takes away our ignorance and replaces it with knowledge, or would you say - insecurities? It steals our innocent younger years and replaces it with a world full of uncertainty. In return? We waste time away, spending hours working on the things we need to do, the responsibilities that weigh down on our shoulders in the world that comes as time takes our carefree youth.

love, 19:39
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