FIVE MORE DAYS
So, I thought nothing could be worse than the week before...but last week was the absolutely worst. Had a really biased/judgemental supervisor who was very unhelpful and constantly put a bad spin to anything I said. That was way worse than just having a difficult kid. Being treated unfairly can really affect you emotionally in ways that you could never imagine unless you feel it personally. I guess it's even worse in such a context where stress levels are already high to begin with. So, with so much supervisor drama last week, I guess I need to make sure the final week's supervisor comments are consistent with the first week's...just to show you know, this past week's comments were really because that supervisor is horrible. I don't even mean horrible in terms of expecting a lot...I mean horrible as in, personality wise, almost. I know I didn't do everything quite right the past week, but it was just one miscommunication after another that escalated into something huge, and while I know I wasn't entirely to blame, it was ultimately still my responsibility and the cantonese would say "sek sei mau (literal translation - eat dead cat)". Guess I could learn a lot about trusting others in workplaces, and about how others can take what you say, twist the meaning and present it in a different way.
The stress is crazy, I think it's eating away at my sanity. You know how when the stress is building up and you're holding it all in and one day it just explodes. Friday was that day it all exploded. That feeling when you want to stop crying cos it looks so stupid and it just doesn't stop. Oh my goodness. Seriously, I think I feel almost traumatised by the last week...this world is a crazy place and you can't trust anyone in the workplace. Ok maybe not to that extreme of not trusting anyone at all, butt the saying is true - it's better to err on the side of caution. Do everything you can by yourself, don't trust people who offer to help, just do it (nike) on your own. I'm probably not making any sense. It was a complicated week. Had a lovely child, but workplace politics...I'm not ready to take that on.
Anyway, just five more days and hopefully my life goes back to "normal". I just want to pass this thing and then hopefully never see any of them ever again. What terrible memories.
Just to lighten things up, there's always light in the darkest of situations and beauty in everything if we only try hard enough to seek it! While this has definitely been a very trying two weeks, going through this and seeing all that I've seen makes me appreciate the people who have been supporting me through everything. In the workplace with a crazy supervisor, you can honestly be made to feel like you are nothing but the unfair comments they write about you. Self doubt honestly is like a really deadly internal poison. It's almost as if the things people say are taking over your identity and reducing you to whatever they say, after which you subconsciously start to think that maybe it's true, that's all you are. I'm being dead serious. But at the end of it all, I just have no words to express how it feels to know that even when the world only sees me for the things I'm not doing right, I'll always have someone who's going to tell me I'm more than that. I don't know how I would have gone through the last week without those people. Being dead serious once again.
