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Just finished watching the last ever episode of Gossip Girl, and I really wish it didn't have to end. I actually have this problem with every sort of TV series, particularly (or maybe only) those with a storyline and where the characters grow and develop substantially. Watching dramas have always been a huge part of my life growing up, and more recently, I remember starting on HongKong dramas as a way of taking a break from reality and how that helped me deal with the unhappiness I was inflicting on myself.
Sometimes I don't know if all these dramas are particularly good for me. Sometimes I think I'm bipolar. Sometimes, I think about too many "what if's". I imagine and concoct a myriad of different scenarios and possibilities in my mind, most of them unrealistic and of a nature seen only in movies/on TV. I dream up things I want to do, and places I want to see. I can't claim to be an avid watcher of dramas, to be honest I don't watch many, but for those that I do follow...I get emotionally invested. Sometimes I don't know if being emotionally involved blurs the distinction between a life in the real world and a life behind a screen. Things always work out at the end of a drama, the last episode invariably closes with scenes where all the characters gather with all the different issues resolved. I wonder if that plants in me that notion of waiting and hoping for a proverbial 'happy ending' where everything would just fall into place.
I'm not some crazy person who's hoping for some kinda fairytale life, but at the same time, lately I find that I don't know if my expectations in life are realistic or if they have been misled. Ultimately I guess the biggest struggle is learning when to be content and to stop wanting or striving for more. It's a fine balance to strike between not being a settler and yet knowing when it's enough.
God doesn't promise a life where everything would be "okay", but it really depends upon what one's measure of "okay" is. Four days to the new year, and I don't know how to feel. I hope to be strong enough to fight every negative feeling that comes my way in 2013, faithful enough to remain rooted in what I believe in, and to have the dedication to continue with everything I'm doing. I can't emphasise enough how much I believe in being dedicated to whatever you have started be it work, school, relationships etc. Perhaps that's why it takes me so long to walk out of the shadow that is cast whenever someone close enough to me gives up on our friendship/relationship.
Sudden diversion, but I still can't decide if I should bring the giant bottle of jellybeans Wanhui gave me back to Melbourne. I could choose to eat it all within the next week I'm in Singapore, and possibly suffer a jellybean overdose. OR, I could ration portions of jellybeans to tide me through the first few weeks of boring lectures in uni. I think I have too much time, I can't believe I'm actually racking my brains over what to do with a bottle of jellybeans. It's been a really relaxing period of time for me, seeing all the people I love and not doing anything that is stressful. Cannot wait to see my favourite girlfriends over the weekend. And I'm going to end abruptly, right here.
