Commit This to Memory

It's simple but I can't explain this.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm choosing the easy way out, because I'm too weak to hold out and hold on to the more difficult choice. I used to have a lot more resolve, I used to believe that if there were perseverance then things would work out. I don't seem to be able to believe in that anymore. I used to look towards the future more, now I live day-by-day and tell myself that I just want to get past today without breaking down inside and by doing that, I choose the easy option that's in front of me.

I run away from issues I don't want to think about. I hide under the pretence that I'm happy.

I don't really know him and he doesn't really know me. he only know the sides of me that show that I'm happy. That I'm nice. That I'm normal. That is all true, I'm not pretending to be happy, or nice to him. I just don't know if he would ever accept the other thoughts that fill my mind, if he would be shocked to find out about the other side of me. Maybe he would turn away from me, because what I know about him is that he's good and he's kind and he's simple. I need his simplicity in my life. It keeps me grounded.

So when he asked me if anything was wrong, I really wanted to say to him, beg him, to not become like the others. I wanted to ask him never to change from what he is now, real and kind, with no snide cutting remarks about others. But I didn't, because he would ask why, and he's the one who would ask me to love my enemies.

You wouldn't look at me the same way if you knew everything.
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Am I letting everyone down? Maybe. I don't know what I have done to deserve this that is both kindness and cruelty all at once. My best friend ever who stayed with me throughout that period of depression yet knows nothing about why I was that way.

Guess I need to thank you for taking me out and talking me through those nights of sleepless-ness...I never did say those thank you words, Maybe it's a little late now. I don't want to revisit those days, ever. There always always always was the rain. It was the first time I watched the rain come towards me, literally. I don't know why we both stayed on as we watched the rain come closer towards us from the horizon. It was nearly 3 in the morning, and there wasn't a single soul around. And then, running down the top of the mount in that rain. It was the first time in awhile when I felt like nothing else mattered.

Thank you, for having been my protector. Sorry, that I'm a let down again. I will never forget all that you did for me because you really saved me.

love, 14:33
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