Leaving on a Jet Plane (ohhh)
I seriously am a mess inside of me, ridiculously messed up.
So not looking forward to packing tomorrow morning, and yes...there's that 6 hour shift to look forward to (not) on sunday afternoon as well.
You know, I just can't believe how I can repeat the same mistake again and again and again x infinity, and...again! Why do I never learn that just because it glitters, it doesn't automatically mean that it is gold. I don't know why I need this so much, why I want this so much.
Don't want to be upset, but I know I am. I need my friends so much now cos they let me be and they don't judge and they make things seem better...but I have to face the fact that all of that is rather temporary, and it doesn't really change anything. Nonetheless, I need that, I need to go back and feel like myself again, away from all this Melbournian stuff.
Alright, don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed (NO!) I'm not emo (NO!) I'm not suicidal (NO!) and I'm definitely not hating my life (NO!).
I'm just, reflecting on myself. My stupidity, my inability to stand up against certain things when I want to protect someone else/when I'm just plain unable to...la-dee-dah. Things I shouldn't do, that I KNOW, clear as day....plain as a drain...that I shouldn't keep repeating, oh well. Maybe one day.
On another note, I know this is probably just about the most overused phrase ever, but the past five months or so have really just flashed past like a bolt of lightning. It really feels like yesterday (yet another over-used phrase) when it was 10 Jan 2011. From the five weeks of summer school, to the two weeks in between summer and semester one, to the whole of semester one, to the exams...I can't help but think how much things have changed. And the thing is, I knew it would change. You know, I'm always bracing myself for change but somehow it never makes the impact any less...well, impactful.
I remember my first year in Melbourne, and seriously, five months felt like forever. I haven't really felt that way in a long time, and I hope I don't have to feel that way again. It's dangerous, I suppose, to get too attached to any one particular thing/person/place. The deeper the roots, the more painful it is when you have to be up-rooted. Despite saying this, I'm still doing it...falling and stumbling with nothing but smooth rock around me, not a thing to hold on to. Well, not that dramatic. I know what God is trying to say with this, but my stubborn nature just refuses to give up. Yeah, stubborn....according to Shiro, if you lined 10 people up and asked which of them thought Aiwee was stubborn, ELEVEN people would raise their hands.
Speaking of Shiro, we had a rather long talk last night during which I discovered, amongst other things, how I used to have a rather inconsiderate side (which I am so glad has long been destroyed). I'm glad I no longer do such things (at least I really put in effort to try not to) and also made me realise that someone had shown me grace in the past when I did such things, so I really should show that same grace towards others. It's amazing that no one holds whatever I was in the past against me now either because, I don't know about other people, but sometimes I find it really hard to forgive myself for my own actions. I could be upset over my own mistakes for a far longer time than I believe is healthy, and even after no one else even cares anymore.
Since I'm on a long post...I might as well go on some more. I wish I could be someone who doesn't care about what others think. I do. More than I should maybe? Sometimes I wonder why I bother...I tell others that as long as you know what you are, it doesn't matter what others might think. What a lie. Then again, it all depends on the person, the situation, the subject...things like these are never clear-cut and there ain't no gps for navigation.
Hate to say this, but why does the abbreviation "GPS" remind me about so many things about you?! It's plain ridiculous, I think I believe it now, spreading activation in the brain.
