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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Sunday, 5 December 2010
Same shit, different day

Sometimes I don't know why she reacts this way. Sometimes it hurts me so much just to know that she still doesn't trust me. I don't know what she wants from me, I give her just about everything she could expect from me...I show her respect, I give her good grades, I work for most of my own personal expenses and I hardly ever ask her for anything. She was never there, you know, she doesn't know anything about my life from when I was 13 till 16. And when I was younger she just used to work so much. Now I'm here with her, why doesn't she trust that I know what I'm doing. After all, I've already spent so many years without her in my life.

It's fine if she doesn't trust me, I wish she would just say it. I don't know how long I can go on with this crazy cycle until I go crazy myself. It's a sick cycle - she starts going on and on and on, and I just listen and I don't even know why I suppress it all in me I don't even say a word back when it's killing me inside. So she's happy she gets her way, while I pretend it's alright. We don't talk. I'm not angry, I don't even know what I really feel. I just feel like bursting. The next day, she leaves me a note, saying she's sorry, and that she wouldn't react in such a way again, that she trusts me, she knows I can manage my own life. And because I just can't stay angry for long I react like it's all okay...until the whole cycle repeats itself.

At the same time, who am I to say that I'm disappointed when really, nothing could ever disappoint me more than I have disappointed God. I should never even feel any angst at all towards her, but yet I do. I submit through my physical actions, but I know in my heart, I still can't do it without all these negative emotions.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do. Everytime this happens, so many other painful memories surface as well. I don't know why or how. It takes me every bit of self restrain not to scream and just curse at someone, something, anything.

love, 23:49
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