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Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in

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Monday, 3 November 2008

I, don't really know what to say.

Or who to say it to.

I am just, affected. No sorry S and G, I never told you and probably wouldn't ever say anything. It's not what you think it is.

Just a few lines of thought run through my mind. One it's a lie to say that I don't start to miss our friendship.

Let me be honest with myself, I am hurt that you never told me and I had to find out myself. I feel sad that we never made it past for reasons unknown. Most of all, I wish we could've had more of a chance to take it one level furthur.

Still, what right do I have, when I myself didn't tell you about this. True true, how could I expect anything when I can't remember the last time we spoke.

Remember how our msn conversations and phone calls went. Bizzare, weird, strange, offbeat, different from any other friendship. Well, every friendship is different. The closest I've gone to seeking closure is speaking to one of your best friends. It didn't help but I started to just conveniently brush it aside. It worked pretty well, I mean it still does. All I have to do is push these wispy thoughts to the back of my mind. After tonight, I wouldn't let them come to my conscious mind anytime soon but for now, just let me be.

I don't know why God lets me make discoveries as such, but I'm just glad to have a connection to your life once again. Back then we had a similar mindset and outlook. That was probably why we formed our most unlikely friendship. Now I find that again, we're at similar crossroads just with different contexts. In a way, the reason why I find myself at this cross road is because of you, and the way your thoughts influenced me. Subtly no doubt but I know what you used to say. Maybe not the exact words, but the gist, only (study) if it is meaningful to you.

It's funny how I woke up this morning thinking about someone else and in the night find out about you. Maybe today's a day for me to let me, be me.

I start to think about what I really want to do in life. Ha, what a grave statement from a greenhorn like myself. My dad knows me too well, he spelt my thoughts out at the dinner table, but I didn't have the guts to say it as well. Maybe give me time, I just need to think it over. Which also perhaps is why I found you again tonight. Learning of how you say you didn't give enough thought, makes me want to give more thought.

Well, I wish I could magically fix things. But it's undeniable we're like chalk and cheese. Not quite. Ah, why?

I wish I could emphasise every word in this sentence, if things happen for a reason, what's the reason for this then? Could I erase all the awkwardness, please? I said please. Could we go back to random phone calls and C&H backgrounds and the strange conversations?!

Why do I sound angry?

love, 21:41
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